Just Stupid Things

 I saw a Buzzfeed list of random items you didn't know "you need." Need is an interesting word to use for most of the products. Like a plastic crab that holds your spoon while you cook, need is certainly too strong of a word. One particular useful, but unnecesary invention was a large plastic bib for a man to shave his beard into and catch all the trimmings. It was invented by his wife who was tired of cleanring up all his little stray furs. What needed to happen was the husband clean up his face discharge after shaving like an adult. Then his wife wouldn't have "needed" to invent anything. 

I need annoyingly to go buy a blood pressure cuff today. I am having a virtual pre-natal appointment tomorrow morning which means not only do I get the pleasure of a co-pay at the beginning of the year (I would imagine I will definitely meet my deductable with a little bebe) but I also get to buy my own medical equipment. I didn't request a virtual appointment, and all my others have been in person, but I suppose it is nice to avoid a little covid risk if possible. 

Pregnancy is a confusing time for me. My doctors have been quite unhelpful up to this point other than a prescription for some anti-nausea pills that took a bit of the edge off the two months of utter horrid stomach issues. They have not told me all of the things to avoid. Sure I knew a few items but the list keeps growing. At Christmas I wanted to eat a caesar salad only to learn I could not eat the dressing because it has raw egg yokes in it. I looked up pelvic floor exercises to be better prepared only to learn I have been sleeping on my back which might as well be trying to strangle my baby. It's insane all the little things you do on a day to day basis that now the internet doctors of the world screetch "noooo" at. It's amazing to me at this point a baby is ever born much less healthy. The world seems to be a gauntlet of shit to eff up your little miracle. 

I am second trimester but have yet to enter into the honeymoon phase of pregnancy that everyone talks about (and by everyone I mean breeders, you never hear about all the fun stuff from most moms, just the ones with somewhere between six to eleven crotch goblins all named Jebidiah). And at this point I have shelled out a few hundred dollars to check on my little nugmuffin and thankfully he is doing well. But I want to make my doctors squirm a little and give me some much needed additional information. So here is my list

• Why do my farts smell like the elephant house at the zoo. I ate rice and chicken for dinner at 5:30 and am still farting fire a midnight
• Why does my poop hurt now? I am use to my IBS-D and this painful shits is a real change I didn't expect. 
• I can't seem to wipe enough. I think I have a skin tag on my bum hole. Can you remove it during delivery?
• How much water do I actually need? I am getting tired of peeing evey thirteen minutes. 
• Am I bloated, holding my weight, or snacking more? I really can't tell and I can't suck my stomach in and look skinny anymore. Also I really can tell all my inside bits have moved around. I am not a fan and would like to speak to the manager.
• Is buffalo mozerella pasturized? There seems to be a large debate about this on Google. 
• I am burping up after every meal. I thought this was just for babies. 

Some of the things Google has not helped with besides buffalo mozeralla is drinking. Despite not being an alcoholic I do really miss cocktails and the occasional sip of whatever someone else is trying. I have tried to Google to find that "cool mom" of a doctor who gives it to you straight about how much you can drink during pregnancy. Like is a sip cool? Turns out there are a few million other women who have googled similar things. Google auto-populates common search results with searches ranging from "can I drink in the third trim..." "can a pregnant woman sip..." "what is the max amount of alcohol a preg..." "give it to me real is it ok if I as a pregnant woman drank a lit...." "what level of alcohol is like not that BIG of a de...." "can I tongue punch a beer?"and the answer was always "don't drink alcohol at all."