Kroger

Sitting at the hospital waiting on my mom to get her colonoscopy blasting one ear with Sweet Child of Mine to drown out the Fox News playing in the background. In the initial room they had MSNBC and a black man checking people in. In the next room a blonde older woman and Fox News. Can’t say I’m surprised. I wonder why of all the things to play in a hospital they play the most divisive possible channel. The things you tend not to speak to strangers about are politics, religion, and money. A hospital is a glorius combination of all three.

A statue of a Saint greets you when you enter, you sit in a room listening to wealthy whites debate which group will benefit the most in the coming four years, then leave with a bill that ranges from decent to a crime against humanity depending on your level of insurance. My boyfriend says they keep the TV on politics to increase heart attacks. It’s a good plan, recurring revenue. Keep you stressed and angry enough, at least 50% of the people should dislike the channel, you’ll need anti-depressants, blood pressure meds, and a Xanax to relieve the headache of it all. That of course will lead to a pricey rehab treatment but at least you aren't a socialist...

Anyways

Kroger is grocery store equivalent of marrying that guy you’re dating when you’re 34. Doesn’t really matter who. He’s fine. He’s nice you know? He’s got hobbies probably. I mean no style, but that’s just because he doesn’t care. He use to wear weird hats so you’re fine that it’s just basketball pants now.  He went to Dayton. It’s a good school I guess. I think they had a business program. He majored in sports. Or like sports marketing? I don’t remember. He works for some place downtown now. Doing something with grants. Or business development? Anyways you know where he lives. And you’re finally used to where he keeps his cups. It’s in the pantry. It doesn’t make sense to you, but its fine. Plus he’s clean. Guys aren’t always clean.  

Anyways he proposed. Sort of, he said he didn't care if y'all had a wedding which is close enough. You need a new mattress so the timing is good, you can get a king size. Plus you’re pretty skinny right now. So you'll commit to him. This is not settling you whisper to yourself. 

Your ex is back though. He looks good you must admit. But he left. He was gone for a long time. And you had to move on. You can’t wait on people like that. He has left like so many times. You’re not going to get hurt again. He kept changing who he was and then he was gone. 

You are content now. It is not perfect, but you know where the his cups are. And this is what this is about. You put too much time into understanding his bizarre little habits and they are your weird little habits now too. 

That’s Kroger. You won’t leave it. You just finally learned the applesauce is next to the Latin food aisle in the front and cereal is aisle 14 in the back near the bacon. And the hummus is in the front right of the store by the bakery and fancy cheeses. And the dairy free cheese is with the vegetables. And the regular non fancy cheese is in the back with eggs. The local grocery store pulled a real dick move just up and selling the building. Kroger is fine. You know where stuff is. It took forever to learn. It doesn’t make sense, but you know where it is. So fuck it. I’m not going to you Publix. You left us hanging for years while redoing the interior of the store. You went from local to chain to a different chain to another chain and you know what? I moved on! And yes your aisles make sense Publix, but I don’t even know you anymore. Kroger is not the grocery store you want, but it’s the store we deserve. You don’t want to spend $7 on berries. So take your $3 mealy blueberries and suck it up. 

Plus when you want to spice things up you can go sit with your computer at Whole Foods and nibble on unseasoned edamame and kale from the salad bar. Which everyone knows is like your flirtation with your hot married coworker. I mean you’re never going to buy your groceries there but it just feels good to be around him. You feel special.

This has been my distraction from the political bullshit on TV in the waiting room. We all know what is going to happen. Instead of getting Kroger for a president, a little lame but fine, I’m watching what happens when you get married to your drug addict heroin boyfriend who is probably the father of your kids, at least one of them. He cheats and hits you but you do too. The cops know your name. The neighbors don’t even look anymore when they show up. It’s not even a grocery store. It’s somehow eating leftover take out every night that you don’t even remember ordering. It’s just fucked. It’s the couch fry of a president and for whatever reason we are eating it. Throw it out.