Letters of Love and Squalor

In the angst:
OK. So I'm in Poland. Particularly Gdansk. I am in my first ever second world country. Now I've been to a third world country in Peru, but the beauty of that is its expected. You expect it to be poor, and despite their poorness they have color and culture and vibrancy. Yes Guinea pigs as lunch make me vomit, but the people seem happy. I was not expecting second world in Poland. 
Poland has all the charm of the holocaust. It is a as if a country was made from a bucket of dirty mop water. They still haven't torn down the sets of WW2. Auschwitz is apparently preserved, turns out this whole country is still living in the past. Don't drink the tap water because it tastes like mud. Smells like it too. I'm in a gorgeous apartment complex that smells like a sweaty football jersey. If it's so safe why do I have literally 7 locks to get into my place? How the hell will my lost bag be sent into my apartment if you can't get in one of the first three gates without a key fob? Putting a Sim card works in your phone in most countries. Aka first world countries. Not the case with Poland! I managed to change the APN of my phone so it will work and Verizon can't jip mom out of $10 a day, but I had to google to realize only Poland has its own phone setup. Very unique Poland. Way to go. The highways have lights. I sat at lights for two hours yesterday in Warsaw. My navigation giving me directions to Gdansk said 4 hours and 38 minutes for two straight hours while leaving the airport. People speak English here. Sure Jan. Many speak English like I speak French. Can't wait for my class of 19 "English" speakers.

This trip has assured me of one thing though. There is not a chance in hell I would move to a non English speaking country. Ky is delighted that without a doubt I would turn down every offer to move with work unless it's to England or Australia. 

Also thank heaven C gave me thin mints. One sleeve of cookies and some red bull kept me going in the traffic yesterday. 

In conclusion do yourself a favor. Google second world countries and just go ahead and pop a big x through them on your list of places to go. 

Google image it instead while taking big whiff of dog's poop. There, now you've been! 

Also people don't wash their hands here.. Love T

This was written after a lengthy flight in which my baggage was lost. My phone was refusing to work. Driving was scary. And checking into my hotel apartment was damn near impossible. And this was written before I got to know more about Poland. It was written in ignorance. And now going through this country I see that the people are lovely and they were dealt a pretty bad blow in terms of countries. As my sister put it black americans are still dealing with the repercussions of slavery that was abolished over 150 years ago. Poland was freed from Nazi rule just 73 years ago and only free from Communist rule 30 years ago.  I understand that a read may read this and be offended. And that is fair. It's a mean retelling of Poland and lacks understanding which I am learning more about. But these are the letters written in angst. 

Russia Update 2. I mean Poland. 

I am now in my bed and breakfast, nestled in a little run down neighborhood next to a Toyota dealership. Like most bed and breakfast's back home. Across from me I see a  beautiful dilapidated playground, a visual metaphor for the broken children here growing up in the shadow of the soviet. It's not just a metaphorical shadow, no, the shadow is also referring to the grey polluted sky of course.  I look at my bathroom in my room, that opens out to the main corridor of the bed and breakfast. I can't wait for my farts to reverberate throughout the round entryway. And I sit back in my bed and reflect on the previous days. Nearly getting hit by a train, watching cars drive in round-abouts the wrong way on purpose, ahh Poland. Your road laws are treated like mere suggestions which has come to benefit me. When I was to turn left in a special left circle lane, I had no idea you had to turn, then nearly parallel park your car in the road to ensure you weren't hit by a train. I of course did not do this, and a train missed my car by probably 6 inches. I quickly reversed backwards about 100 feet out of the turn lane entirely all in front of a cop. They didn't pull me over for reckless endangerment. Nope. Just another day in Poland. While driving back from Gdansk yesterday a cop standing on the side of the road flagged the car in front of me randomly off the road. I about shit myself realizing that was a possibility. The cop literally had no reason to stop this car. It wasn't a DUI check, it wasn't a border, it wasn't a plain checkpoint. It was a cop parked in a shop parking lot standing on the side of the road lifting his hand at a car. I drove white knuckled the two hours left back to Warsaw wondering what sort of "tax" that driver was going to have to pay. The highway to Gdansk is currently closed, or being re-worked. Not sure which, but there is heavy construction, like many places in Poland. There is so much construction it's impossible to tell what is going up and what is coming down. On the makeshift two lane highways cars pass by driving in the wrong lane towards oncoming traffic, then dart back into the correct lane at the last minute. The whole road almost allows for this kind of passing, though the assumption is you do it as safely as possible. That doesn't always happen and many times you have a car driving directly at you where you must then swerve to the shoulder of the road to ensure you're not hit as the other car passes, effectively demanding the two lane road suddenly become three. The worst driving offense I saw was a car swerving into the opposite way of a round about to turn into a gas station instead of going all the way around counter clockwise. There are also more gas stations here than I think anywhere else in the world which makes me think of what they did to people here in a morbid not fun way.

In Gdansk there are some very beautiful buildings, but they seem to be empty. And fake. They have the look of old Bavarian buildings with whimsical paintings on them, but upon closer inspection they seem like they were made after WW2 to mimic what was previously there. It ends up looking a bit like Disney world, if Disney was located at the Baltic sea. Still I imagine in the summer it would be pretty lovely but you can have the same charm without the drive by just going to Disney. 

While returning my car they told me to "park it where I got it." This is because I realized there are no signs for rental cars until you are actually in the terminal parking garage, then you do have a sign in the garage that says "Car Rentals" basement level. In a country where there is an abundance of street signs, even signs like the one below indicating you are leaving a city, they don't manage to have many helpful signs from what I can tell, and 0 are in English. I get that, but you'd think in your tourist areas they might try a little to be helpful. You also don't really need a city exit sign in my mind since as soon as you leave a city you are surrounded by expansive nothingness. It's pretty obvious. Yet those signs are everywhere, helpful signs are not. 

 

So far I wouldn't recommend Poland for anything ever. But there have been pockets of cute spots, mostly in Gdansk. And if it was the right season it would probably look much better. Not really all the parts, just the cute bits. I am however starting to feel a little bad for this run down country. It looks and feels like a war torn former communist city. The good news though is at least everyone seems to be in the same crappy boat. From what I have seen its not a huge visual of the haves and have nots. 

When I was at the Amber museum in Gdansk I was enthralled by a picture of a beautiful room full of amber. It looked ornate and was designed in Gdansk according to the caption. I looked at my map to see if I could go to this room and the older Polish woman realized what I was doing. "No. No. Russia" she said and I realized Russia had taken all the cool stuff from Poland and moved it there. It's unfortunate and was probably unfair for a long time here. 

As for my class tomorrow I have decided I don't care if half of them fail. It's not going to be my fault. And the other instructor is miserable too. He said he was trying not to complain, but we have a lot of Dutch students. And apparently he just hates the Dutch for whatever reason. Good to know everyone has their prejudice. 

One fun thing, I saw in Gdansk the honorary Fahrenheit thermometer, for Daniel Fahrenheit, born in Gdansk! One good thing from Poland! And to keep the positive rolling there are a lot of dogs here, little frilly dogs in little outfits walked by hardened looking Poles. And lots of yellow labs that walk off leash slowly behind their owners. And no one wears jeans. Lots of sweatpant jogger type pants. It's wonderful. A country of pants haters. At the mall today I even saw the womens jeans had elastic bands. Brilliant Poland, keep it up and maybe in 100 years you'll be halfway decent. But today you still smell like my sweaty gym shorts. 

Love T

When I had gotten my bag back I was far less miserable. It's nice to be able to shower. Driving back to Warsaw from Gdansk I saw many lakes. I have to imagine that in the summer and fall those lakes are probably stunning. In the winter it still looks like mud fields, but I did get to see a lovely sunset. 

My fake reviews for my hotels so far

Hotel Advertisements:

Warsaw

Are you getting soft? Have you had too many rest filled nights of beds with "padding?" Do you want to experience the austere conditions of a post communist country? Then come to the XXXX Bed and Breakfast, somehow rated 9.1 on Bookings.com. Hearkening back to the tradition of making beds from tightly packed hay, these beds offer a hard surface with zero give ensuring all you stomach sleepers will have their boobs squished away from your body like a gentle full nights mammogram. Allow your body no relief as you sleep since the surface of the bed is akin to laying on a desk, preventing any muscle from releasing it's tension. Wake up shocked that your jaw can actually be sore from sleeping. 

Walk out onto the beautiful balcony and bask in the quietness to the left as there are no neighbors, just an empty desolate brick building with all broken windows. To the right listen to the natural sounds of Poland which is mostly slavic sounding men yelling between one another on the street as they smoke cigarettes. 

Play a round of Polish water roulette in the lovely shower stall. Will you have a hot shower or will it be hose water? You'll find out once you strip naked and try out this exciting little adventure. 

Conveniently located next to the Alcohole store, a Toyota dealership, and a park with a giant mural of what seems to be WW2 of polish people hiding and trying (but as we know failing) to combat the Germans. Wonder what the mural is saying as you walk by. Is it strength that they tried to fight but failed? We don't know what to think, but enjoy a park filled with paintings of men with guns trying to avoid death. It certainly will depress the hell out of you!

Book your stay now if you have had enough of those pesky amenities like soft beds and warm showers! 

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Gdansk

Time is overrated. You shouldn't do things when it's convenient for you, you should do things in stringent immovable schedules. You may check into your hotel between 9am-6pm. If there is traffic then you are out of luck. 100 zloty charge for being late. You will learn. There is no entrance. You are too soft to expect entrances to hotel stays. Toughen up. Ask around to the shops of confused people as you repeatedly hand them the address and they say 'yes that is here' and you   Poland was independent for 20 years before being reoccupied. Get use to disappointment. 

You may not check out on Sunday. We are not open and we will not answer call. You can figure it out. Poland had to figure out how to hide people for 6 years. You can figure out of to get out of Gdansk on a Sunday. You will have to drive to an office. The office is on a street. There is no number on street. Good luck.

At the XXXXXXX use our free washer dryer. You will need to download a 76 page guide to figure out how to open it. It will lock on you. You will continue to frantically hit buttons, rewashing your clothes in mineral water, having them smell worse than when you put them in. Dryer will not work. You won't know how to use it. You can hang clothes on towel rack. 

Gdansk is cold in winter. Your apartment will be hot. No other option. Hit the thermostat uselessly. It will not change. Be naked if you are too hot. 

Bathroom smells like ass crack. It is the water that smells. Wash your body from this spring of hot water. 

Somehow rated 9.4 on Bookings.com by people who value neither time nor ease of check in or out.

________________

Explanation of these reviews:

Checking in I was frantic, there was no entrance or information to get into the apartment. I tried every shop. It turns out that is was an actual apartment, almost like an airbnb that I had rented. So many people lived in the building, but mostly because they lived there, not rented a space. It seems its good for long term stays of families. I was so close to shitting myself holding 2 giant bags desperate to get into the building. I couldn't even get phone service to call the number. A polish girl was eventually nice enough to call and they answered the phone by some miracle. There was a gate I needed to get through and then an additional door. All had security. There was literally no way to check in without someone taking you directly there like a convenient hotel room. There was no possible way to check in late. I never really thought the whole "what time are you checking in" was that important. And in the US its not because unless it is an airbnb, you can pretty much guarantee a front desk person at most hours. Even an Airbnb will send you a code to open a box with a key in it to get in and settled. You get these directions in advance, not only at a certain time when you are trying to check in. The check in girl was SO friendly. It made me feel bad that I wanted her to STFU so I could go shit. But I really did need her to GTFO. I needed the bathroom so badly I was sweating. 20 hours of non stop travel, a lost bag, a 6 hour drive that I was screaming at myself the plot of Harry Potter just so I could stay awake, it was a lot. But again she was the friendliest little helper ever and for that alone I would rank the place highly and warn people about checking in. I even checked the reviews to see anyone else mentioned how hard it was to check in and to my shock no one had. I think that is just how things are done here. Far more physical keys and far fewer entry codes and key cards. 

In the apartment the washer-dryer was the most complicated thing I have dealt with, so much so I don't even want to talk about it. It was bull shit. It happened to my family in Ireland as well.  Those pieces of shit eat clothes and I feel there is some conspiracy against Americans to lose their clothing in these god-forsaken little fuckers. 

To leave early the office that said 'Name of Hotel' was completely empty, like a building under construction. I had to go into a hair salon to be told the real office was around the corner.

Quite a trip and yet both of these places are so highly ranked. I don't understand AT ALL outside of how nice the staff has been. 

Update of classroom.

Good Morning,

We are hitting a few hiccups with this training facility.  Our current issue is there is no food for lunch. The facility caters lunches, but apparently we did not order those. There is truthfully nothing around here. The locals are pretty vocal that we are not in a facility near things. Truly there is nothing within walking distance aside from a grocery store about a 25 minute walk. A local student is ordering sandwiches for the entire class today. She is Company so she plans expense this to Company which I think is fine given the current situation.  I spoke to the front desk and they said they could cater lunches other days however not today.

J is teaching now and we are skipping lunch. The wifi is cutting in and out as well so that may be an issue for the test. There is also only one whiteboard which is about 2 feet by 3 feet wide.  

Overall not sure what to do about the food! As for the recommended places to stay I would probably not recommend those either. James is a significant walk from the facility and while mine is closer, there is still only a grocery store to eat from and the neighborhood is not ideal.  

Anything would be helpful to know.

This is my politically correct way of saying I have not had a proper meal in days. I ate at a fucking grocery store last night because there is not one fucking place to go. I ate rice crackers, a banana, and almond butter. If you book this facility, area, or country one more time and expect me to teach there I will quit. 

These are just my first batch of update letters. They aren't in my normal blog style, instead they are in just the form that I sent them. So here they are. Sorry if anything mean I said about Poland is too harsh. Poland in the winter is not great. I admit it is surely better other times of the year.