Women's Health

"Liz, Doctor Jacobs will be right in to see you."

Liz looked around the sea foam green office, nice and serene. A sound machine played ocean noise in the background. There were brochures of smiling women of all races with perfect teeth with words like Lunova, Lunesta, LuneVagina, HagVagina, AllYourFault, and MenShouldComeWhereTheyWant  atop each brochure. To the right was a degree from North Carolina University the Texas campus that said "Dr. Christopher Jacobs" graduated medical school. No honors, just run of the mill graduation. 

The door swung open "Hey Liz, I'm Dr. Jacobs, but you can call me Dr. Jacobs. Your normal doctor, Erica...hah sounds like a girl's name...anyways he's is out this week so I'm prepping you for the delivery in a few weeks. So a few things. How is your husband?"

"What do you mean? I mean he's fine? What?"

"Are you satisfying him Liz"

"That is literally none of your business and disgusting to ask"

"Oh this is above the board. You need to let your husband finish inside you as often as possible. And don't go waddling off to the bathroom either. Let it simmer."

"I'm already pregnant that hardly seems necessary."

"We actually know sperm is great for your cervix. There have been numerous studies showing that sperm can loosen the cervix up for delivery. The first 27 studies didn't show that, but we finally got one with a sample size of 5 women that totally proved it. I actually read about it in med school."

"How exactly was this studied or do I even want to know?"

"We let men drop lots of loads in their ladies and then saw how long until their labor started."

"Got it. So this was worth studying but not if I can take Pepto for gas while pregnant because that study is too risky?"

"We would never want to risk the baby."

"What about my wants?"

"Who?"

"Me, what about what I want?"

"I hardly see how that's relevant. Anyways, there is a ground breaking study currently, costing 119 billion dollars studying if anal sex before delivery helps prevent tearing. Seems promising. A lot of women are reporting that if you can really build up some tears and pain before delivery so the baby slips out. You aren't in the study, but you should do anal just in case."

"Are you fucking kidding me. I can't eat a turkey sandwich but you want me to have anal sex?"

"Yes. And I am leading a study on the impact of threesomes..."

"Go to hell."