Schrodinger's Baby

 I'm pregnant again, shocking after how hard my first pregnancy was, but the boy is adorable so I thought heck yea I'll take some more.

Anywho, long story short I got pregnant, duh, didn't totally believe it, peed on a stick in my minivan in front of a crowded bagel shop in Florida (the most common Floridian method of determining pregnancy- public urination during broad daylight... when in Rome), laughed hysterically with Ky when I saw it was positive while thinking "oh shit", drove back to my parents house and opted to keep it secret while totally not being sketchy and refusing food, being incredibly lazy, and going to sleep at 6pm. But no throwing up, so that was nice.

Fast forward to the dreaded 20 week scan, a scan most moms look forward to, but I recall it felt more like a dagger, followed by a crossbow, followed by a machete. Each scan was stressful and full of unknowns. Well 2nd round I was hopeful girl baby would be A-OK, but I honestly did not expect it. I hadn't had a normal scan yet, why change.

Indeed I was ready for the gut punch. This time it just felt like inevitable gloom. I needed an MRI, the babies skull could not be fully seen and she had a mass on her head. Was it a brain tumor? Did it stop the skull from fully forming and therefore the brain could just flow out? Those are life sentencing literally, but Scary Doctor, who I now like, was hopeful. Her brain looks great actually, the mass seems to be just a vascular tumor. Just. But the MRI needed to confirm the skull. I told Scary I wouldn't Google anything, she placed her hand on my leg and said "yes you will." She was right and it was all bad. The images are horrifying and you can't help but instantly feel for the mothers in those situations. They are the moms who get the late term abortion when they've been buying clothes. They are the dads who are excited for a daughter. And then it's something so damning and horrible and you feel wrecked for the child who is either going to live a depleted life in pain.

With boy I scheduled the MRI as quickly as possible. I wanted to rip the band-aid off. With girl I waited until after the weekend. We went to a wedding in Asheville, it was a beautiful weekend and I wanted to have Schrodinger's baby. She was both ok and not ok at the same time. When the MRI exposed her skull and brain to light that would change. I would know which it was.  I could enjoy the weekend first. 

I was told I was brave. I think people who are brave often just don't have a choice. What else could I do? I had to keep going. Brave without other options. 

After the MRI I was better emotionally than with boy. I still functioned a bit. I had my email open all day. I waited by the phone for 5pm to roll around when I knew my doctors office would be closed. Ky left at 5:05 to buy groceries. I took a bath, and then the results appeared in my email. Oh shit, I can't read doctor code. I called my sister immediately after texting her the chart results. I scanned the document "skull appears intact" and a wave of relief hit me. I couldn't really read anything else. But the vascular tumor is on her skull, and it doesn't seem to be interacting with her brain. 

I told Scary Doctor the next day "this is the best news" she said "well the best news would be no tumor, but yes this is great the brain and skull look good." I still have to monitor my little unicorn a lot. Like weekly ultrasounds, meetings with specialists, all the doctors, probably a c-section. It's still a lot, but I'm glad for my unicorn. O was a dragon in the womb, she's a unicorn. Both are blessings.