Review of Reviews

 Having spent the last year and a half fairly isolated has led to an immense increase in online shopping. Sure I was able to move into my new house last year using solely Amazon packing boxes at my sisters house while I scoffed, but it turns out my shopping habit is no better. You can see the dismay on the recycling mans face as he loads up the 42 boxes of cardboard. This has led to an exponential increase in review reading. And my goodness people are insufferable. 

First of all it turns out vegans and people associated with the military are the same person. Sure one may be more pacifistic and care about human and animal rights while the other is more likely to vehemently say the Civil War was about state rights, but they have the common thread of being unable to talk about much else than their diet/day job. My friend and I were once followed on the beach by a former high school classmate for him to pop up in front of us and say hi, probably 30 pounds heavier than his Quarterback size. We barely knew him in school and as he reintroduced himself he declared he was now a vegan. This was a decade ago before it was as prevalent and he told us Oreo's and bread were both vegan, which explained his size. All that to say a man literally followed us down a beach through the ocean no less to tell us he was now a vegan. 

When looking up various pediatricians for my almost baby I got to page through "We are a military family and our girls have been through five doctors." Hey Charise, guess what? That is unneeded detail. How about you say "it was easy to schedule and I liked the care." In Florida there was a shaved ice stand that was "Veteran owned." Again Jeff, what do I care? You don't see me incorporating a business writing "Former Cheesecake Factory Hostess owned and maintain." Don't get me started on the military spouses. Sure go ahead and let your identity be fully absorbed by your spouses job. "Army Wife" your shirt may gleefully read. I get that they are proud their spouse does something that can be dangerous, but please let us stop pretending we are constantly fighting for freedom in this country or others abroad. It takes all of eleven seconds on Google to see some horribly screwed up shit our military has done and the not so complex domino effects of our rash military actions that still wreck havoc today on society. So with that in mind many jobs can require travel and be dangerous and you don't see "Electrician Wife" "Wife of Trucker" "Linesman Wife" "Firefighter Wife" "Doctors Without Borders Wife"  "Wife of Scientist living in Florida" or heck even "Airforce Wife." Nay those shirts are just for the Army and Marine wives. 

While navigating around reviews with unnecessary backstory you may find you stumble into a vat of permanently unpleasant people. They are the eternally dissatisfied, the people who believe the value of their dollar is worth all the slavery in the world. Go with me here. They'll buy some cheap shit on Amazon, maybe a baby rattle. They scroll past the wooden rattles that are made in Germany from sustainable oak forests for $24 dollars and go right to the Made in China $3.59 Shaker Toy. It takes a mere moment to see the small parts this toy is constructed of and the conspicuous lack of BPA Free certifications.  Nay. It is a plastic rattle that says "MAKES YOU HA HA" and the reviews are "My child pooped out a green bead because it cracked." Yes that is an actual review. Of course it cracked. What do you think happens in a warehouse in China? That a fairly paid woman named Patrice receives a shipment of top notch plastics and loads it onto a state of the art conveyer belt where the toy is carefully made and inspected, boxed, put on a shipping container, sent to a California Amazon warehouse, then photographed by Annie Lennox, purchased by you, packaged by a well paid Amazon worker with absolutely no back issues named Carl, put on a mail truck, and placed on your doorstep 2 days later for $3.59? No! It's made by underpaid workers in unsafe conditions with probably unsafe materials so you can be cheap and buy your kid the shittiest plastic waste. And you're still complaining when clearly the issue is your buying habits! Here are some other actual reviews "Maybe he's still too young for it but he can't get any part of it into his mouth which is what he's into." That one just made me laugh. Poor kid just wants balls in his mouth, it's what he's into. Aside from the fantastic innuendo I don't know that you typically want a choking hazard to be able to be fully inserted into your 4 month olds mouth. I know I'm not a mom yet, but that makes my spidey sense tingle. Finally on this same toy there was a review that said " Hardly any sound comes out of this so called rattle. The balls seem too light." She then included a video where you could easily hear the sound of the rattle. Perhaps it is a faint noise, but what is the expectectation here? I think rattles need to be at least 10 decibals! 

So the more I read the more aggitated I get with these nicompoops who expect too much from too little or have the most innane complaints. It makes it hard to decide what to buy or where to eat. You end up not trying anything at all. But as I spend these days alone waiting to give birth with a lack of work to occupy myself I see the creative opportunity emerge for me to be a total internet Karen. Will I resist the urge or will I start complaining my epsom bath salt was too salty?