Ode to A Classy Lady

"I'm 40 weeks and 5 days and this video totally helped my baby come out! I did it for three days and finally I met my girl!"

These are the types of comments you see on the YouTube videos of stretches to induce labor. Of course there is no way to validate if the stretches work or not as most of the comments are from women who for all intents and purposes should have already given birth to their baby. I don't know if the deep squat really pushed you over the edge there Sheila or the fact your baby was already running a bit late and her head was edging towards unable to fit if not ejected soon. I feel like I should write a comment for Aveeno Clear Complexion face soap. " After 17 years of dedicated twice daily use I'm starting to see some skin improvement! The acne has cleared up and I'm sure it has nothing to do with my hormones at 32 being less bitchy than they were at 16."

I am very pregnant and my baby is very cozy. There are some signs of early labor I've been hunting for. I was told that I should be tired and yet I am not despite very minimal ability to sleep through the night. I was told I should feel like there is a baseball in between my legs from the baby moving into my pelvic region which should make me waddle. Despite my jokes I am not waddling and can still do a mean speed walk. I  was told I would have diarehea, but my pooh is so solid I am on softeners.  I was told I would have back pain, and after a lifetime of achy back and neck I feel fine. Instead my biggest struggle is my crotch looking like George Costanza's hair line, a circle of missed patches of fur crawling down my leg like a balding New Yorker refusing to let the last bit go.  In general I am very comfortable just bored and my baby is very comfortable and not making any grand entrance it seems. 

Reading the dumpster fire of stupid videos comments makes me see all the weird concoctions women are willing to try to avoid using modern medicine. The midwives brew is a combination of caster oil (the only active ingredient I am sure) lemon tea, and almond peanut butter. I'm sure there is some vague reason for each ingredient, something like almonds contain Vitamin C which does blah blah blah. But for the most part I just see desparate women Dr. Quinn Medicine womaning themselves, as if everything from nature is healthy. Foxglove would beg to differ and we don't live on a prairie in the 1800's. Caster oil causes diarehhea which I suppose it like a labor for your ass and that is why the tea *may* work. But also your baby has to be ready. Which I can squat and shit around and it won't have quite the same effect as a drug meant to open my cervix. So with that I am scheduled to be induced, which means in a few short days I will hopefully have a baby who I am so in love with I won't mind I just displayed my crotch to an audience for like a ping pong show girl in Bangkok. 

But that does mean I will need to say a fond farewell to Gwendolyn. I felt she deserved a sonnet, but I may not be skilled enough for iambic pentameter. 

Gwendolyn My Dear

It has been many fortnights since I could see you

Except through a looking glass

Hidden by a rounded belly blocking my view

But in a mirror I see the reflection of such an elegant lass

You are about to get abused, cut, and torn

But I will be there for you wishing for your repair

For from you a baby is about to be born

So your abuse has a purpose, please do not despair

You have been great to me, lovely and valient

With your dark scraggly locks that don't match my hair

And you are always dry, it really is quite a talent

My cycle so consistent you've never left me guessing there

I love you my darling so enjoy getting bigger never to fully retract

If you're too flappy after I promise a surgery pact.