Cervix Dancing Circumstances

I'm still pregnant and my baby is still growing. There are fetal size charts that off cute enough, "at 8 weeks your baby is the size of a raspberry" and you read that and think aww a tiny human the size of a raspberry. Then you get your ultrasound at 10 weeks and ask "am I supposed to cry at this? It looks like a horrifying gummy bear." Small and not remotely humanlike is probably why various doctors started comparing your unborn baby to fruits and veggies. But the size guide has gotten out of hand. I understand a lemon moving on up to a peach. But an endive? I don't even know what the hell that is. You you go from a cauliflower to a kale? So it went from something substantial to a flappy leaf? I'm googling my babies size at 25 weeks and needing to sift through the PLU number photo chart of grocery stores produce section to figure out what the hell a jackfruit is so I have an estimate on my child. 

If I'm not Googling my babies size I am Googling " Is XYZ normal during pregnancy?" The answer is yes.

Here's a list of common issues pregnant women may Google.

• Is sneezing blood normal during pregnancy?
• Yes! During this miracle of life time it is normal for your nasal passages to swell making it more difficult to breath. Additionally you have more cappallaries which may lead to bloody noses! But don't worry, try saline spray which won't help with the breathing at all as we can't guarantee you won't horribly mess up your child by using something that could help you breath. 
• Pregnant and my feet are sore but not swollen 
• As you grow this new incredible life, your feet may be exra sore. Your ligaments in your hips are losening up getting ready for the big push and your other ligaments have followed as well. You may develop flat feet and go up a shoe size for life. It is the most magical time! Remember you may absolutely not take Tylenol so pop up those feet and wait for the pain to dissipate. 
• Pregnant and nipples bleeding
• This is extremely average as your goddess body creates a miraculous life. Your breasts will be bigger and along with more bloody inside you means you may bleed from other orifices like your nipples. This is normal and there is nothing to worry about! Try a lotion, it won't change anything at all, but you may get stomach zits from your newly clogged pores. 
• Melasma while pregnant
• You lucky mama, as you form a tiny human while your husband asks you if you've gone grocery shopping yet, your hormones are rushing all over your body and baby and may create brown sploches all over your face. It could be permanent but with lots of money and trial and error you can possibly remove these chocolate milk spots on your face that age you immensely. Be careful though, you cannot use any treatment that is helpful as we have literally never studied any medical product on a pregnant woman. 
• Pregnant and farts small like an elephant house
• Look at you you magnificent mama bear! As you create natures greatest miracles there are many totally normal bodily changes such as flatulence. Not only will you not be able to hold those farts in at all (remember all those loosening ligaments, well your glowing ass hole is full of them and boy have they just gone the way of Elsa and let it go!) but those farts will smell like a sewage treatment plant. But it's ok, you're farting for two after all! You're not only prepping your body for birth, but also your mind. Get rid of that shame because soon you will be pooping on a table in front of your partner and that doctor you respect. 
• Spouse cheating while pregnant
• As you watch your body that you have worked out diligently for decades quickly disappear, your ass snarf down your underwear to the point it splits at the seams, and your once perky boobs begin to form a sweat lodge on top of your stomach which they now rest uncomfortably you may become irritable, not to mention the hormones causing a roller coaster of emotions. But don't worry! This is all normal in this beautiful miracle of life you are producing. But your spouse may just think you're being a fat bitch! This does cause spouses to stray. This is completely normal and while you can't drink your saddness away, you can reduce the risk of a cheating spouse by marrying a man with a net worth of less than $200,000. Any more and he may more easily be able to afford SugarDaddy.com services. 

As I wrote this my baby started dancing on my cervix yet again giving me a strange feeling of needing to pee/ an annual gynecologist exam. Of course I had already Googled this side effect to find that it is normal, but it does make it harder to let my mom feel the baby move. Despite all the downsides so far I still just want a healthy baby. This came into full perspective as I have some health scares with my son. I really do just want him to be healthy even if that means it hurts to sit now because my belly jabs into my ribs and my belly sways as I waddle. I've started to chafe in my butt cheeks and I can't tell if it's because I'm just getting bigger and bigger ladies deal with that, or if it's related to near constant swamp ass I have. But we carry on!

One moody side effect that is exasperated is my skinny wonderful husband. He's the cutest human ever and I love him, but his lack of desire for food is a real turn off. As someone who wants to eat more baubles than Mrs. Pacman at the moment, having a husband say "I'm not hungry" is making me side eye him worse than Sofia Loren staring down Jayne Mansfield. I feel like I'm married to a vapid Hollywood reality star who lies to themselves and says "no really I just love kale and I'm super full from yesterday when I had a ginger juice shot." I understand the phrase I'm not hungry, what I don't get is the inability to power through and eat regardless which is what my body has been screaming at me for the past 10 weeks. I now understand the jokes about Italian mothers always forcing their children and guests to eat. And if you vomit a little up your throat because either your stomach is too full, or it's just your stomach is now somewhere in between your tits, you just pop a few Tums and move on to dessert. 

The good news is I will be married to a dad who will likely never develop a dad body. It will motivate me to keep my food habits in check as it's no fun borrowing a "big mans" shirt or boxers to sleep in only for them to be a little tight. But that's for after the baby. Until then it's time for ice cream to reward myself for doing a great job eating lunch. Afterall I'm eating for two and I gotta get my baby up to the size of a jicima by Saturday.