A Fast Fan

 It's been one week since I became a fan of Formula One races. It's not exactly a shocking fandom. I have always enjoyed cars, I like speed, and I tend to dislike team sports. Teams for F1 is more of a loose definition. Your biggest competitor is your team mate. The pit crew and strategists want to get the most points from the race which means if you are faltering they may favor your team mate. They'll get the pit change at the ideal time, they'll get the go aheads to push forward, and they'll be placed on the winning strategy. 

Someone may wonder why I don't care for Nascar. I have worked Nascar events as a Team Chevy girl and was pleasantly surprised at the kindness of most attendees. They were red necks for sure and had posters that said "A shot for a shot" where a group of red necks, which I'll refer to as clan, in the back of their pick up trucks offered free shots of whiskey that came in a plastic bottle for a flash of your tits. I'm sure the overwhelming kindness I received at the race was in no small part due to my whiteness, my Team Chevy shirt, and my full hair and makeup display. I doubt heavily I'd have felt the same sense of welcomeness if I was a melanin rich man. And it was partially that underlying strange tension that I never was exactly into Nascar. I appreciated the cars racing, but there was a vulgarness to it. Not to mention the cars are clunky looking and riddled with advertisements.

Years have passed since I went to work a Nascar event and I recall sitting with an ex-boyfriend in England talking about F1 racing. It's uniqueness was the cars, they were computerized and sleek. It was a flicker of passion in which he spoke about the cars that I remembered as I embarked on a Netflix F1 series many years later. Season 1 down and I am hooked. I bought ESPN today in order to watch the season opener in Behrain. I have looked at ticket prices to see a live race. Being pregnant and having the inability to travel outside the U.S. makes seeing a race about impossible. U.S.A. has of course so royally been fucked by our previous idiot that our covid response has made every normal country see us as the drunk slurring at the bar that you scoot away from, the flatulent person on the plane carrying a seafood takeout bag in flip flops you beg won't sit next to you, the kid who sneezes into a tissue then peals it open to poke around inside... or the moronic country that ignored a global pandemic for an entire year and instead choice to stoke racist flames and blame it all on Asians who actually managed to do a wonderful job of containing their spread. 

Since we are banned from going to places I looked at local-ish races. There was one episode of the Netflix show that was particularly terrible. It was the race in Austin, Texas. Having been to Texas only once I admit I haven't seen much of the state. Having watched the news though I see I don't want to. Sure Chip and Joanna seem like nice enough people, just literally everything else about the state seems like a dumpster fire. I know I know. bUt aUsTiN iS a bLuE dOt iN a rEd sEa. Austin has live music, lesbians, and BBQ. It's a haven for white people who think they're weird. It has art on brick walls that you can Instagram yourself in front of with your cashew vegan cheesey nachos. It must make up for the rest of the state making crucifixes out of guns just so you know they value god and guns (their version of god, a white man with an affinity for weapons and a hatred of gays which is shockingly similar to themselves.) But if my scathing sarcasm doesn't indicate it, I don't want to go to Texas. And I'm sure 100% of their citizens would say "and we don't want you here." Yea fine. Maybe I'll go and love certain parts. I will happily admit it. But on the particular Austin F1 episode I saw everything that is so roll your eyes American that for a moment my new fandom faltered. Why did they come to the U.S? Why not stay out, keep it classy. 

When they show Monocco you see beautiful azure seas and boats, women in elegant sundresses, and sharp dressed men. When they show Singapore you see architecturally stunning pools on top of hotels, hanging gardens, and again sleek dressed individuals ready to cheer on their teams. In Britain you see excited fans greeting the racers and rolling fields of bright green grass. In Austin Texas you are assaulted with the clown makeup of the Dallas cowboy cheerleaders, posterboards flapping in the air, and a marching band in Jim Crow era outfits that the vast majority of the members are barely fitting into, their seams ready to throw a button faster than the cars on the track. It was like Nascar with a bunch of race teams getting to gawk at our little American zoo. And how could I forget the massive military presence in case you forgot we also love war. 

So as I looked at races to attend I didn't even bother to look in the U.S. I just wouldn't want to go. Montreal seemed nice but bad timing, and beyond that I would want to go to Austrailia. Of course Ky was like "but babe you're pregnant and Montreal would be days before your due date." To which I could just remind him that his mom worked out up to the day before birthing both boys, a fact that has made me feel slight shame as I pick glitter off Reese's cups from the Easter basket then eat regardless hoping the glitter isn't going to cross the placenta as surely a few flecks are getting by. I feel shame but I eat on regardless. Now Ky is right and I know I can't actually go to a race anytime soon, but I do  want to. Ky thinks my fandom is too fast, I've watched one season of a TV series, an old race, and now one live race, and at approximately 10 hours of fandom and a few Google searches of acronyms to better understand the race, I'm a newbie for sure. And I'm sure I would find most of the team owners and billionaire investors are complete wretched douche nozzles. Team India's former investor who is now jailed being an obvious example. 

And of course I know this is all hypothetical. I am super pregnant and a baby will be more work than I can fathom. But that hasn't stopped me from sitting in the tub and imagining my interview as the mother of the newest F1 driver for Audi. "Oh we just want him to have a safe race, I can barely watch!" Ky is of course bemused and mildly peturbed that I am supportive of our kid and his hypothetical racing career but not soccer. And that's obvious. Soccer is the most boring sport that should last three minutes since the last three minutes are when the action is regardless. Just have the men all run a 20k then have three minutes of exhausted action televised. It'll be the exact same. And the scores won't change either. But while I do think I will continue to watch F1 racing because it is pretty awesome I'm sure this is just a desire to be moving a little faster. As I have entered tick Day 5 on dog status of my body it is fun to watch something move with speed and agility, my opposite. And it's fun to see new places, even just televised, since we have all been mostly in the same 20 mile radius for a year now. And of course it's fun to pretend I could fit in with an elegantly dressed crowd as I have been in hoodies and pj pants for a year now and rocking a dried and fried blondish afro for many months. It's an escape.

After watching the race in Behrain the TV was turned off still on the ESPN2 channel. When I turned it back on a few hours later hoping to see some interviews of the race teams I was instead immediately reminded of America at it's finest. ESPN2 was televising competitive cornhole. Two obese men in Bush's Bake Beans sports jersey's were throwing bean bags onto Johnsonville Sausages emblazoned cornhole boards. It was just so American. I'm sure F1 has a dark side I haven't seen yet, but at least it isn't this dude with his mask dipped below his nose pretending to be an athlete while literally wearing flipflops.