Inside the mind of a Hallmark Christmas movie writer
"Higgins get in here."
"Hey what can I do for you?"
"It's November 6th, you know what that means."
"Got it sir, write at least 15 Christmas movies so you can shoot them tomorrow in one long take and have it premier on Friday."
"You got it"
*Inside the mind of a Hallmark Christmas movie writer*
Ok well let's start with an uptight bitch named Kate... Not uptight bitch, that's too real, uh a real go-getter who has put her career above everything else. But let's make sure her boss mentions she needs to get a dating life. Bosses should be very interested in the dating life of a single 30 something even though it's none of their business.
Ok this is good. Now she meets for a quick coffee with her friends in the break room. They tell her that her vagina will shrivel up if she doesn't have get a boyfriend. They saw it on Doctor Oz... Uh that may be mean. The friend says "Kate it's the holidays, let loose a little!" This is perfect. Note, the friend should be a black side character. Definitely not the lead. Backstory unnecessary, just props up the white lady. Oh my goodness Higgins this is gold.
So her boss calls her into the office and says there is a last minute assignment. She has to go to a tiny sleepy town that is obsessed with Christmas and uhh geez do what... Host a parade? I like it. But wouldn't you think they would plan that sooner than a week before Christmas. Ok maybe she needs to find a Santa? No. She's got a career. She's an architect and has to build an entire skyscraper to be opened on Christmas... Yes. This. So the boss will say "Kate I read your plans for the 45 story office building. It's perfect. The small town of Surrey in CanaMinnesotAdho has a population of 12 and the permits went through for the building. You have 7 days to oversee the construction of the office."
Kate responds "But boss man, it's Christmas, I was going to video chat my parents since I wouldn't consider going home as I'm an uptight biznitch." "Kate, your dry vagina makes me not care. Do it anyway and find a penis while you're at it."
Kate arrives in Surrey and is greeted by several amiable throw away fat actors. They bring her flowers and welcome her, but a former male model for Abercrombie stares at her from the corner of the airport. The town of 12 somehow has an airport.
He comes over to her. "You must be the bitch who needs to tear down my grandfathers homemade tree house to build the office building." Despite Kate seemingly wanting to destroy the one thing...uh what is his name...Ricardo? No he isn't tan enough for that...Sean is too short...Andrew but his friends call him Andy. Perfect. Yes despite Kate wanting to destroy Andrew's only joy in this world, he still smiles at her with a twinkling eye.
Despite Andrew having a rocking bod, a great job, perfect teeth, and a penchant for volunteer work he has never managed to date anyone since his girlfriend cheated on him? No that's too rough. Uh after his girlfriend chose her job instead of settling down with him in the town of 12. She was too big city and ended up settling in the bustling city of Milwaukee. Ok so since then he has been chaste.
Kate gets in her Uber and Andrew is the driver! He starts taking her to the hotel while a child chokes on a corner. Andy hops out of the car and saves the choking child, then sees a stray dog and quickly bathes and adopts it, then performs mouth to mouth on an elderly woman trying to cross the street.
Kate watches in amazement. She texts her friend "there is a cute boy here - merry christmas tree emoji to me." She says boy because despite being 37 she is emotionally a child. She wanders idly what could be wrong about Andrew since clearly she is trying to find a reason not to like him. He seems so perfect. There must be something wrong with him. It's his micro-penis. He can't move on from his ex because of the micro-penis shame. No...too sexual, all these adults are asexual clearly. Uh what is his flaw... Oh snap, he is perfect! The flaw is Kate has no life!!!! She will meet her completion in him. He will gift her bitchy personality his flawlessness and she will only be likable because of him. This is perfection!!!
Andrew gets back in the car. Instead of showing Kate to her hotel he kidnaps her briefly to show her the tree house. He cries. Kate feels badly for the demo crew she had just scheduled. They had no other business or plan and are able to get there at 8am the next day. Kate finally makes it back to her hotel room. An instant ice storm comes and Andrew cannot leave. He gets the room next to her and quickly whips up a soup kitchen for the stranded 12 citizens of the town. Kate watches him through the peep hole and smiles for the first time in the entire movie.
She is sleepless. The ice storm stops and she walks outside and the town is quiet. She walks by the tree house, it isn't cold and she is fine in a bright purple petticoat. A color that offsets her complete lack of empathy. She stumbles upon Andrew standing in the tree house sobbing. The land the treehouse is on is worth $5,000 and he couldn't afford to buy it since he gives all his money to the children of the town. There are two of them. The kid who choked and some other kid. Who cares.
Ok so Kate gets a text from her boss "U get laid yet? I mean did you demo the small towns one piece of joy before Christmas?"
She is torn between her job that defines her and not being a total bitch. A fat man with a beard walks by and winks. She thinks of Santa. The last time she was happy was when Santa gave her a Bratz doll. She looks in the corner of the tree house and sees the Bratz doll. Andrew says it was his, he wanted to be a makeup artist to the stars when he was a kid. Like that dude from the Marvel movies.
Kate sheds a tear and venmo's Andrew the $5,000 for the land but says it's from Santa. His phone gets a notification and he is ecstatic. He buys the land that night.
Kate and Andrew stay in the treehouse all night. We can just do a talking montage here because I don't want to write that script and they clearly have nothing in common. In the morning there is a knock on the door. Kate's boss has flown in from San FraNew Yoston where he has a penthouse. He stops when he sees Kate is happy. "Hey I see the land was purchased out from beneath us Kate. You wouldn't happen to know why?" She smiles at Andrew.
"Well Ok" the boss says conceding without a fight. "I guess we can leave now. It's Christmas Eve after all." Kate looks shocked. "How many days did we talk Andrew?" He laughs "We must have talked and not touched a single time, but just laughed and shared for at least 5 straight days. No wonder I'm hungry." He looks more frail. Kate looks down at the tree house floor.
"Mr. Boss" Kate says pulling her boss into the corner to talk privately in the 8 x 8 tree house... "can I stay here and keep my job but now work 70 hours a week instead of 100?" "Yes dry crotch Kate, as long as you kiss this man. You can conference in from here on out."
Kate rushes over to Andrew. He looks sullen. "You're leaving aren't you?" He says sadly. "I was hoping we could watch the Christmas tree lighting tonight in the town square. All 12 people will be there."
"Actually" Kate says smirking, I think I can make that work.
Cut scene to them drinking hot chocolate looking at the Christmas tree. Kate's black friend texts her "omg boss just told me you met a handsome man and your life is completely changed now!" Kate smiles and Andrew smiles at her. He leans down and they have one passionate peck as the snow begins to fall.
"Hey what can I do for you?"
"It's November 6th, you know what that means."
"Got it sir, write at least 15 Christmas movies so you can shoot them tomorrow in one long take and have it premier on Friday."
"You got it"
*Inside the mind of a Hallmark Christmas movie writer*
Ok well let's start with an uptight bitch named Kate... Not uptight bitch, that's too real, uh a real go-getter who has put her career above everything else. But let's make sure her boss mentions she needs to get a dating life. Bosses should be very interested in the dating life of a single 30 something even though it's none of their business.
Ok this is good. Now she meets for a quick coffee with her friends in the break room. They tell her that her vagina will shrivel up if she doesn't have get a boyfriend. They saw it on Doctor Oz... Uh that may be mean. The friend says "Kate it's the holidays, let loose a little!" This is perfect. Note, the friend should be a black side character. Definitely not the lead. Backstory unnecessary, just props up the white lady. Oh my goodness Higgins this is gold.
So her boss calls her into the office and says there is a last minute assignment. She has to go to a tiny sleepy town that is obsessed with Christmas and uhh geez do what... Host a parade? I like it. But wouldn't you think they would plan that sooner than a week before Christmas. Ok maybe she needs to find a Santa? No. She's got a career. She's an architect and has to build an entire skyscraper to be opened on Christmas... Yes. This. So the boss will say "Kate I read your plans for the 45 story office building. It's perfect. The small town of Surrey in CanaMinnesotAdho has a population of 12 and the permits went through for the building. You have 7 days to oversee the construction of the office."
Kate responds "But boss man, it's Christmas, I was going to video chat my parents since I wouldn't consider going home as I'm an uptight biznitch." "Kate, your dry vagina makes me not care. Do it anyway and find a penis while you're at it."
Kate arrives in Surrey and is greeted by several amiable throw away fat actors. They bring her flowers and welcome her, but a former male model for Abercrombie stares at her from the corner of the airport. The town of 12 somehow has an airport.
He comes over to her. "You must be the bitch who needs to tear down my grandfathers homemade tree house to build the office building." Despite Kate seemingly wanting to destroy the one thing...uh what is his name...Ricardo? No he isn't tan enough for that...Sean is too short...Andrew but his friends call him Andy. Perfect. Yes despite Kate wanting to destroy Andrew's only joy in this world, he still smiles at her with a twinkling eye.
Despite Andrew having a rocking bod, a great job, perfect teeth, and a penchant for volunteer work he has never managed to date anyone since his girlfriend cheated on him? No that's too rough. Uh after his girlfriend chose her job instead of settling down with him in the town of 12. She was too big city and ended up settling in the bustling city of Milwaukee. Ok so since then he has been chaste.
Kate gets in her Uber and Andrew is the driver! He starts taking her to the hotel while a child chokes on a corner. Andy hops out of the car and saves the choking child, then sees a stray dog and quickly bathes and adopts it, then performs mouth to mouth on an elderly woman trying to cross the street.
Kate watches in amazement. She texts her friend "there is a cute boy here - merry christmas tree emoji to me." She says boy because despite being 37 she is emotionally a child. She wanders idly what could be wrong about Andrew since clearly she is trying to find a reason not to like him. He seems so perfect. There must be something wrong with him. It's his micro-penis. He can't move on from his ex because of the micro-penis shame. No...too sexual, all these adults are asexual clearly. Uh what is his flaw... Oh snap, he is perfect! The flaw is Kate has no life!!!! She will meet her completion in him. He will gift her bitchy personality his flawlessness and she will only be likable because of him. This is perfection!!!
Andrew gets back in the car. Instead of showing Kate to her hotel he kidnaps her briefly to show her the tree house. He cries. Kate feels badly for the demo crew she had just scheduled. They had no other business or plan and are able to get there at 8am the next day. Kate finally makes it back to her hotel room. An instant ice storm comes and Andrew cannot leave. He gets the room next to her and quickly whips up a soup kitchen for the stranded 12 citizens of the town. Kate watches him through the peep hole and smiles for the first time in the entire movie.
She is sleepless. The ice storm stops and she walks outside and the town is quiet. She walks by the tree house, it isn't cold and she is fine in a bright purple petticoat. A color that offsets her complete lack of empathy. She stumbles upon Andrew standing in the tree house sobbing. The land the treehouse is on is worth $5,000 and he couldn't afford to buy it since he gives all his money to the children of the town. There are two of them. The kid who choked and some other kid. Who cares.
Ok so Kate gets a text from her boss "U get laid yet? I mean did you demo the small towns one piece of joy before Christmas?"
She is torn between her job that defines her and not being a total bitch. A fat man with a beard walks by and winks. She thinks of Santa. The last time she was happy was when Santa gave her a Bratz doll. She looks in the corner of the tree house and sees the Bratz doll. Andrew says it was his, he wanted to be a makeup artist to the stars when he was a kid. Like that dude from the Marvel movies.
Kate sheds a tear and venmo's Andrew the $5,000 for the land but says it's from Santa. His phone gets a notification and he is ecstatic. He buys the land that night.
Kate and Andrew stay in the treehouse all night. We can just do a talking montage here because I don't want to write that script and they clearly have nothing in common. In the morning there is a knock on the door. Kate's boss has flown in from San FraNew Yoston where he has a penthouse. He stops when he sees Kate is happy. "Hey I see the land was purchased out from beneath us Kate. You wouldn't happen to know why?" She smiles at Andrew.
"Well Ok" the boss says conceding without a fight. "I guess we can leave now. It's Christmas Eve after all." Kate looks shocked. "How many days did we talk Andrew?" He laughs "We must have talked and not touched a single time, but just laughed and shared for at least 5 straight days. No wonder I'm hungry." He looks more frail. Kate looks down at the tree house floor.
"Mr. Boss" Kate says pulling her boss into the corner to talk privately in the 8 x 8 tree house... "can I stay here and keep my job but now work 70 hours a week instead of 100?" "Yes dry crotch Kate, as long as you kiss this man. You can conference in from here on out."
Kate rushes over to Andrew. He looks sullen. "You're leaving aren't you?" He says sadly. "I was hoping we could watch the Christmas tree lighting tonight in the town square. All 12 people will be there."
"Actually" Kate says smirking, I think I can make that work.
Cut scene to them drinking hot chocolate looking at the Christmas tree. Kate's black friend texts her "omg boss just told me you met a handsome man and your life is completely changed now!" Kate smiles and Andrew smiles at her. He leans down and they have one passionate peck as the snow begins to fall.
Comments
Post a Comment