Fjord-get-about-it
I am a menace to the Norwegian society. A threat to their basic safety and well being. And it is entirely unintentional.
My trip started as many international trips. Me standing in an airport surrounding by decently dressed human beings and me looking like I had just crawled my way through a toilet. I don't care if I have a flight that is ten minutes or fifteen hours. I will look haggard and have a new zit and mascara will be below my eyes. I went to the SIM card booth to get my internet working and waited for well over an hour as one poor Jamaican man fended off an aggressive pack of men who had multiple cellular devices. This was really my only option as I planned to drive in Norway and needed the navigation system to be working perfectly for my trip to go on smoothly.
I had read up on driving in Norway and briefly read not to speed, but to the magnitude this was true I could not have expected. When you are use to driving 70 m.p.h.+ legally for any distance driving it comes as a shock to be sputtering along a divided straight highway at 48 m.p.h. and not being overtaken by surrounding cars. I left the airport and headed towards Oslo, a city with a population of around 600,000. This was by no means a large city and I have driven comfortably in most places and cities. My navigation system is saying words that sound like a an alphabet was thrown into a garbage disposal and I begin to get worried when there are no street signs even resemble the words I am hearing from Google maps. Then I'm underground for no reason. Why are even tunnels in a city like this I cannot begin to deduce. I am not under water, mountains, or high rises. Also every sign says Sentrum and for the life of me I cannot stop thinking about Centrum Vitamin commercials instead of paying attention. If it doesn't say Sentrum it says Ring. Ring 8. Ring 2. Ring 5. Sentrum. While my maps are saying in 500 meters exit onto Sentrum towards GarbonzoGutaVehgenStviker. The sign just says Ring 8. Meanwhile I am trying to convert meters into miles. I get it. The whole world except for the U.S. uses the metric system. I don't doubt it would be easier to adjust to the standard but with 31 years of dealing with miles it is hard to figure out just how far 500 meters is. I start converting everything from the perspective of a 10km run. That's 6.2 miles. So one kilometer must mean I forgot I suck at mental math. Just exit at the next ramp I figure.
Out onto a roundabout I go and I realize how brilliant Europe's use of roundabouts are. I've gotten off on the wrong Sentrum and wrong Ring. Sure roundabouts can be confusing but my goodness they are efficient. I learn how efficient when my maps barks at me I am going the wrong way. So I drive to the next roundabout and turn back.
I miss my turn again and back through the roundabout I go. Next attempt and it was a bad guess again!
There were four options to exit and I took them all in under three minutes.
I make my way back to the Sentrum. I begin to guess that means center. I am trying to get to my hotel as I desparetly want to shower. The stress sweat I have from driving is doing me no favors. Then it happens. I am in the Sentrum. There is a public transportation in the middle of the road, a sort of trolley track system. I seem to be one of the few cars on the road and my maps tells me where to turn for my hotel but of course I the street, though I don't think it exists. There are no street signs with road names after all. It tells me to go up and make a U-turn but as I drive up the street there are only people and a trolley. There are no cars and there is nowhere to make this supposed U-turn. So I see a right turn and I immediately take it only to realize this is a city street that has long shut down street usage and is exclusively for foot traffic. I back my little compact hybrid up hastily. Trolleys are coming and I have clearly made my way to a portion of road that is not meant for cars but there was no sign indicating I shouldn't be there other than the absolute desertion of cars and abundance of people watching me silently edge towards them in a quiet hybrid and a look of horror on my face.
I end up making a U-turn around nothing, no median, no lines on the road (which I will learn is the Norway standard road, they have saved millions in paint) while dodging trolleys. The only way down the road shows that I can either get in a Bus Only Lane or a Taxi Only Lane. This is where the little overlap of our languages is easy, but didn't make my decision of where I should be driving any easier as clearly I was not meant for either place. I pull up in the taxi lane and just park it in the middle of the lane to gather my wits. I don't want to nearly get hit with a trolley like I almost did in Poland so I reverse up the taxi lane to a waiting man in a cab for a passenger. I ask him what to do. He assures me its fine to drive in the bus lane. I have no choice regardless but I appreciated his support.
I manage back down the street and only one man stared at me in what I believe was disapproval. I frantically turn out of the Sentrum and onto a road that cannot be worse than what I came from. In my haste I turn through a changing light and speed through a pedestrian crosswalk as they started to cross the street. A cop was right there to see it. The cop drives behind me and I comfort myself that Norwegian cops have seemingly good humor according to Youtube videos. Maybe it's Sweden but they should be attractive blondes at the very least. Thankfully I am not pulled over and I make it to the front of my hotel. The hotel is on a road without any pull in to park. I start to panic at the idea of having to drive in Oslo any more than necessary and ask the front desk where I can park and go straight there regardless of the cost.
After my driving experience I worry about my next morning. There is a museum a few miles outside of the city I wanted to see and now I was worried I could drive there. So I plan and plot. The only thing I can do is wake up and leave my hotel before normal Nords are up and about for work so I don't accidentally hit them. I decide I will use the time difference to my advantage. 6 a.m. shall do I decide. The museum opens at 9 a.m. so I figure I can sleep in the museum parking lot for a bit.
And that is exactly what I do. I of course make multiple wrong turns along the way and verbally comfort myself as I drive. "You've got this. No one is watching. You did well by waking up. I'm proud of you. You're ok." I am reminded of a time I drove in New York City and messed up enough times that Haley and I brainstormed an app of maps for directionally challenged individuals. It would be called "You got this girl"and every time you messed up it'd say a comforting praise and lead you to an empty parking lot to calm down. "You missed the turn, but you got this girl, there's a Subway a mile up the road. We can wait there."
After the Viking Shit Museum (5 stars!) I drove up towards Lillehammer. It was a nice midpoint between my next hotel and hosted the Olympics once. They also have a Stave church, one of those cool wooden churches Norway is known for that is covered in tar made in the 1100's. I make that my next goal. Driving up from Oslo is easy enough as it is one main road and not too crowded. Soon I am just 4 minutes away according to maps! I turn on the small neighborhood road, it seems strange a stave church would be nestled in a neighborhood, but I don't think much of it. Then I turn on a narrow dirt road full of houses. Alright this is fine. Narrow but I am the only one driving. Then I make another turn.
The road names are of course insane but there seem to be some small signs if I squint. Ah yes. Edvard Van Gaden Vegen. I translate Vegen. It means road! I get to a point of the narrow dirt roads where I am a mere minute away and I see no church. I have one turn to go and seemingly only two possibilities of directions. I am at an tiny T-shaped dirt intersection with a small opening in the bushes in front of me but I assume it's not that. So I turn. And I'm wrong. I am re-routed through a maze of roads and end up back on the main road to restart. I am like Mario in a video game popping back up where I was last safe. After several minutes I end up back at the same dirt intersection and again I am wrong. Back to safety and the start. I end up at the dirt T-intersection a third time. In front of me is heavy shrubbery and a paved path. Everything else is dirt. This is narrow but I figure it is the only option left. I move forward. The bushes come closer rubbing the side of my car. I am yet again inching up in my silent car behind two women walking. Oh my gosh I am on a footpath again. For the third time in 24 hours I am very much driving where I very much should not be. Down the path I go though because I doubt I can manage to reverse properly on the tiny footpath. At the bottom of the path is a curb. A substantial hearty large curb. It seems to be my only option to hop off the curb in my compact car and hope the undercarriage survives.
I am back where I started for the third and final time. I give up. I had a four minute drive to the stave church and 40 minutes had passed. You know what I think? I think I'm done. I leave Lillehammer. There are 20 some odd stave churches I remember. I'll find another one.
Notable Note: The next day I went on an organized tour of Dovrefjell-Sunndalsfjella National Park. The guide was showing us muskox and I being the only single hiker in a group of couples and friends we talked most of the day. He reassured me that despite living and working in Oslo for five years (he's a teacher not in the summer) that even he avoids driving in Oslo, he said particularly the downtown section. And he too has driven on a pedestrian only road. It made me feel a lot better. Google Translate did too. Sentrum means "downtown."
My trip started as many international trips. Me standing in an airport surrounding by decently dressed human beings and me looking like I had just crawled my way through a toilet. I don't care if I have a flight that is ten minutes or fifteen hours. I will look haggard and have a new zit and mascara will be below my eyes. I went to the SIM card booth to get my internet working and waited for well over an hour as one poor Jamaican man fended off an aggressive pack of men who had multiple cellular devices. This was really my only option as I planned to drive in Norway and needed the navigation system to be working perfectly for my trip to go on smoothly.
I had read up on driving in Norway and briefly read not to speed, but to the magnitude this was true I could not have expected. When you are use to driving 70 m.p.h.+ legally for any distance driving it comes as a shock to be sputtering along a divided straight highway at 48 m.p.h. and not being overtaken by surrounding cars. I left the airport and headed towards Oslo, a city with a population of around 600,000. This was by no means a large city and I have driven comfortably in most places and cities. My navigation system is saying words that sound like a an alphabet was thrown into a garbage disposal and I begin to get worried when there are no street signs even resemble the words I am hearing from Google maps. Then I'm underground for no reason. Why are even tunnels in a city like this I cannot begin to deduce. I am not under water, mountains, or high rises. Also every sign says Sentrum and for the life of me I cannot stop thinking about Centrum Vitamin commercials instead of paying attention. If it doesn't say Sentrum it says Ring. Ring 8. Ring 2. Ring 5. Sentrum. While my maps are saying in 500 meters exit onto Sentrum towards GarbonzoGutaVehgenStviker. The sign just says Ring 8. Meanwhile I am trying to convert meters into miles. I get it. The whole world except for the U.S. uses the metric system. I don't doubt it would be easier to adjust to the standard but with 31 years of dealing with miles it is hard to figure out just how far 500 meters is. I start converting everything from the perspective of a 10km run. That's 6.2 miles. So one kilometer must mean I forgot I suck at mental math. Just exit at the next ramp I figure.
Out onto a roundabout I go and I realize how brilliant Europe's use of roundabouts are. I've gotten off on the wrong Sentrum and wrong Ring. Sure roundabouts can be confusing but my goodness they are efficient. I learn how efficient when my maps barks at me I am going the wrong way. So I drive to the next roundabout and turn back.
I miss my turn again and back through the roundabout I go. Next attempt and it was a bad guess again!
There were four options to exit and I took them all in under three minutes.
I make my way back to the Sentrum. I begin to guess that means center. I am trying to get to my hotel as I desparetly want to shower. The stress sweat I have from driving is doing me no favors. Then it happens. I am in the Sentrum. There is a public transportation in the middle of the road, a sort of trolley track system. I seem to be one of the few cars on the road and my maps tells me where to turn for my hotel but of course I the street, though I don't think it exists. There are no street signs with road names after all. It tells me to go up and make a U-turn but as I drive up the street there are only people and a trolley. There are no cars and there is nowhere to make this supposed U-turn. So I see a right turn and I immediately take it only to realize this is a city street that has long shut down street usage and is exclusively for foot traffic. I back my little compact hybrid up hastily. Trolleys are coming and I have clearly made my way to a portion of road that is not meant for cars but there was no sign indicating I shouldn't be there other than the absolute desertion of cars and abundance of people watching me silently edge towards them in a quiet hybrid and a look of horror on my face.
I end up making a U-turn around nothing, no median, no lines on the road (which I will learn is the Norway standard road, they have saved millions in paint) while dodging trolleys. The only way down the road shows that I can either get in a Bus Only Lane or a Taxi Only Lane. This is where the little overlap of our languages is easy, but didn't make my decision of where I should be driving any easier as clearly I was not meant for either place. I pull up in the taxi lane and just park it in the middle of the lane to gather my wits. I don't want to nearly get hit with a trolley like I almost did in Poland so I reverse up the taxi lane to a waiting man in a cab for a passenger. I ask him what to do. He assures me its fine to drive in the bus lane. I have no choice regardless but I appreciated his support.
I manage back down the street and only one man stared at me in what I believe was disapproval. I frantically turn out of the Sentrum and onto a road that cannot be worse than what I came from. In my haste I turn through a changing light and speed through a pedestrian crosswalk as they started to cross the street. A cop was right there to see it. The cop drives behind me and I comfort myself that Norwegian cops have seemingly good humor according to Youtube videos. Maybe it's Sweden but they should be attractive blondes at the very least. Thankfully I am not pulled over and I make it to the front of my hotel. The hotel is on a road without any pull in to park. I start to panic at the idea of having to drive in Oslo any more than necessary and ask the front desk where I can park and go straight there regardless of the cost.
After my driving experience I worry about my next morning. There is a museum a few miles outside of the city I wanted to see and now I was worried I could drive there. So I plan and plot. The only thing I can do is wake up and leave my hotel before normal Nords are up and about for work so I don't accidentally hit them. I decide I will use the time difference to my advantage. 6 a.m. shall do I decide. The museum opens at 9 a.m. so I figure I can sleep in the museum parking lot for a bit.
And that is exactly what I do. I of course make multiple wrong turns along the way and verbally comfort myself as I drive. "You've got this. No one is watching. You did well by waking up. I'm proud of you. You're ok." I am reminded of a time I drove in New York City and messed up enough times that Haley and I brainstormed an app of maps for directionally challenged individuals. It would be called "You got this girl"and every time you messed up it'd say a comforting praise and lead you to an empty parking lot to calm down. "You missed the turn, but you got this girl, there's a Subway a mile up the road. We can wait there."
After the Viking Shit Museum (5 stars!) I drove up towards Lillehammer. It was a nice midpoint between my next hotel and hosted the Olympics once. They also have a Stave church, one of those cool wooden churches Norway is known for that is covered in tar made in the 1100's. I make that my next goal. Driving up from Oslo is easy enough as it is one main road and not too crowded. Soon I am just 4 minutes away according to maps! I turn on the small neighborhood road, it seems strange a stave church would be nestled in a neighborhood, but I don't think much of it. Then I turn on a narrow dirt road full of houses. Alright this is fine. Narrow but I am the only one driving. Then I make another turn.
The road names are of course insane but there seem to be some small signs if I squint. Ah yes. Edvard Van Gaden Vegen. I translate Vegen. It means road! I get to a point of the narrow dirt roads where I am a mere minute away and I see no church. I have one turn to go and seemingly only two possibilities of directions. I am at an tiny T-shaped dirt intersection with a small opening in the bushes in front of me but I assume it's not that. So I turn. And I'm wrong. I am re-routed through a maze of roads and end up back on the main road to restart. I am like Mario in a video game popping back up where I was last safe. After several minutes I end up back at the same dirt intersection and again I am wrong. Back to safety and the start. I end up at the dirt T-intersection a third time. In front of me is heavy shrubbery and a paved path. Everything else is dirt. This is narrow but I figure it is the only option left. I move forward. The bushes come closer rubbing the side of my car. I am yet again inching up in my silent car behind two women walking. Oh my gosh I am on a footpath again. For the third time in 24 hours I am very much driving where I very much should not be. Down the path I go though because I doubt I can manage to reverse properly on the tiny footpath. At the bottom of the path is a curb. A substantial hearty large curb. It seems to be my only option to hop off the curb in my compact car and hope the undercarriage survives.
I am back where I started for the third and final time. I give up. I had a four minute drive to the stave church and 40 minutes had passed. You know what I think? I think I'm done. I leave Lillehammer. There are 20 some odd stave churches I remember. I'll find another one.
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| Take notes of the road names on the way to this Lillehammer Stave Church. In the red circle is a dirt road with a T-shaped intersection and a road that DOES NOT EXIST. |
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| Parking lot cat I bonded with at the museum while trying to nap before opening - his name is Jack Frost |
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| Museum parking lot horse. I didn't expect to be so entertained waiting on a museum to open |
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| Stave church, not in Lillehammer. Ringebu Stave Church built in 1270. There was one direct road to the church so no opportunity to f that one up. |
Notable Note: The next day I went on an organized tour of Dovrefjell-Sunndalsfjella National Park. The guide was showing us muskox and I being the only single hiker in a group of couples and friends we talked most of the day. He reassured me that despite living and working in Oslo for five years (he's a teacher not in the summer) that even he avoids driving in Oslo, he said particularly the downtown section. And he too has driven on a pedestrian only road. It made me feel a lot better. Google Translate did too. Sentrum means "downtown."
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