Dog

To be clear I love dogs. My husbands family happens to have a dog that is boring. And that is fine, plenty of people thrive with a dog who just wants to sleep and bark at a squirrel every now and again. That can be a beautiful member of your family. 

My issue is this dog is boring and the family projects every emotion onto this poor hungry beast. First of all Mastiffs are big dogs. This dog is famished, not in any real way, but she craves food. Her dog mother has a very 1950's relationship with food. Food is evil and you're a piggy piggy slob slob for wanting it. Now drink your wine and pass out like god intended. The generation that invented 100 calorie packs of Oreo crackers, cancer causing pretend sugar, and margarine labeled SMART CHOICE. Of course food is not evil, but decades of fat shaming can bring a girl down. 

So what to do when you adopt the Shaq of dogs? You absolutely scream your head off when she glances at your meal of chopped carrots and radishes you eat off a plate made for a hamster in a Korean TikTok video. "GET ON YOUR RUG NALA." I mean you named her after a lion for Pete's sake. You see she is large, but go on, food issues should be taken out on a dog with a toddler brain. 

Ok so boring dog is a bit hungry but generally very well behaved. Boring things are. She's not going to run off. She's going to sit on her bed and tan herself. Good dog! But we aren't done with the projection game here. Nala is a C.O.D. but like the couple forgot the D. The dog gets whispers of "your mother doesn't give a shit about you" when dog mom is still out playing fetch....I mean pickleball with friends. And that's fair, because until recently dog dad was playing retrieve...I mean golf with his pack. 

She barks here and there at the occasional standard barkable thing... squirrels, other dogs, random people. But it's pretty infrequent. What do you do when a dog barks? You yell louder, more aggressively, and in rapid succession at her to BE QUIET NALLLLLA STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT bellowing louder and louder that she will wake the children. One might argue you could say stop it, then lure her away from the window, but that's too normal. 

When Nala wants to lay dog she essentially pushes you off the sofa. She's big after all and just sort of sits behind you. She doesn't want pets, just a sofa. "Oh my god Nala you are soooo sweet. She just needs to be with us." Does she? Or is it a sofa and her bed is outside? "Oh she's so excited we are back home, she missed us." Did she? Or are you just an hour late for her feeding? "She's so mad she hasn't had her walk yet" She's literally asleep. "She's going to get too cold." She's a dog, I think you are cold. "She is obsessed with the kids" They are holding her tail, she unfortunately can't get away. "She likes to watch the fish in the pond" She literally doesn't have a water bowl outside. 

She is again a well behaved docile a.f. dog, but when I watch the full mouth kisses in the morning from her to each parent all I see is that kid who is the glue of the family. She's a good, boring dog, but according to her parents, well she's their everything.