Pasta

 As the Summer Olympics rolls around can't help but think back to Friday nights spent grasping a Ziploc bag of cold spaghetti in preparation of my races. I was on swim team and back in the day of the food triangle we were taught that our carbs brought us the energy needed to power us across the pool at rapid speeds. You wanted to be light enough to not feel slogging in the pool, but still have the bursting fuel your muscles needed to glide you across the finish line. 

It was in a few words deeply unnecessary. The whole principle of carbo loading is based in some science, but an all together silly thing for an 8 year old to do 15 minutes before swimming two laps of a 25 meter pool. If anything the random pre-swim meal would slow you down that close to a "race." I never even placed in my illustrative single year career of swim team. I was the only swimmer to receive a participation ribbon and it made me the special little liberal snowflake I am today. Actually watching poor people be abused by those in power made me a liberal but let's blame it on the participation ribbon. I didn't even ask for a ribbon, they were handing out awards on the last day of swim team and I was the only kid still standing there. In fairness I had actually placed or won backstroke once, I don't recall, but I was disqualified for hitting the bottom of the pool. I firmly deny that ever happened, I'm pretty sure all 42 pounds of bird like bones I was at the time was incapable of diving that deep, in fact I can mostly only belly flop even today, but alas I was reduced to a no-win season. As it turns out the highlight of swim team was being handed nachos and pasta before the matches.

It is somewhat strange how much I remember that participation ribbon. It was black or navy and had a dolphin on it. Ironic. I was the least dolphin like kid out there apparently. It should have been a tiger, an animal that technically can swim, but only does so in dire situations and grimaces throughout. My sister had won several matches or heats, and I believe she tried to comfort me.

Lately year after year military enrollments have been dropping. It certainly seems those who do join do so for the benefits like paid college, but I think it's that way in sports. The best part of soccer was yet another Ziploc bag of food. This time orange slices. Apparently 60 seconds of swimming needs carbs and 30 minutes of standing in the grass picking clovers wearing cleats requires the sweet bursts of oranges with a post game reward of Cool Ranch Doritos. I imagine now a more health conscious set of millennial parents brings something like cauliflower crisps but I'd still be down. But I think the snack industry is propping up sports like insane tuition rates props up the military. Take that away and what would our society be?

I personally think for every kid out there swimming like a tiger, grimacing and scowling their way across the pool until they see those little plastic flags flapping in the distance there is a child being taken away from their true potential. Take away the pasta and nachos and you are left with a plethora of disgruntled tigers and a few obnoxious dolphin types clapping their flippers excitedly waiting to dive into the pool. Obviously some dolphin like kids love it, their bodies remember hundreds of thousands years back when this was their life form. But the tigers aren't happy. We evolved beyond this they think. Somewhere out there I could be resting in a tree licking my paws. That is my essence. 

And what of the child standing in a field picking clovers while a ball is lobbed around meaninglessly? Well if the orange slices dry up and the snacks are no longer offered they should march off that field and say "this is not who I am, I'm not some dog chasing a ball, nay. That is not my essence! I am a rabbit, standing in this open field, fodder for prey, how dare you plague me with this loathsome task of fetch. I shall retreat to my chambers where I shall embrace who I am! A creature adored for their whimsy as I craft magical curiosities and write fanciful essays to be ingested by your AI beasts and regurgitated out to entertain you artless heathens."

Yes just think what would happen without the snacks. What a world it could be.