The Drama

My family has dropped a heap of bullshit drama and I the spider am in the web ready to catch some flies. *Say as Stefon* This drama has everything, feelings, lack of communication, past grievances, enablement, and paper plates. I as self appointed therapizer am here to fix it. Well not really fix it, most of my family members tune me out entirely, at least my mom has the reasoning that when I'm talking to her it is unlikely to be one of the eleven annual minutes she is wearing her hearing aides. 

As a kid I sometimes thought I would be a good lawyer as I love to overthink and argue, but then I realized how boring law actually is. At a very young age I recall sharing my recurring nightmare with my therapist aunt and she gave me excellent advise on how to fix it so perhaps a therapist. It's fun to call out other peoples problems! I met a friend in high school at 14 and pegged her as having mommy issues and an Oedipus complex. Just this week she is dating a guy "who reminds her of her father" but that pay off took too many decades to come to fruition.  This morning that same friend texted she now sees what I mean about not dropping all your baggage off on a first date, it's not a game I would say, its a gantt chart. He doesn't need to know you have IBS before the appetizers arrive, that can and should wait, ideally until after he can comfortable slap your ass when you walk by. But all this gratification for me took too long to be a therapist. 

So without any accreditation which how long has that existed anyways, and without reading any peer reviewed research, and only armed with my life experience of sociological exploration and own therapy I will lay out the problem and the solution here and now. My sister is being a bitch and should stop. Just kidding! And which sister? No this is not the problem at all actually. The real problem is that damn North Star Cherry tree.

Dear Fast Growing Trees.Com,

You sent these damn trees too soon. I know I didn't put my zip code in to change the shipping time, but that's just because your competitor Gurneys Trees user interface is crap. They make you put in a zip code to recommend trees in your zone. But I don't want trees for my zone. First of all the trees are a gift and second of all climate change. Yes climate change is really to blame. What's a girl to do when you're buying trees for a Zone 5 that acts like a Zone 4 and could even have a day that dips into Zone 3. Really the issue is the USDA updated the plant hardiness zone and put the zip code as a 6a. A 6a?! Are you on crack? It hit -32 F last year, it snows in May. They are creeping towards a 3b and should fully be considered a 4b. Zone 6a. Ridiculous. Anywho because the zones are clearly wrong I am not going to enter my zip code because you don't know me! You don't know my life. I don't want your stupid 6b cherry tree that will die a week after it's planted, I want a cherry tree that would survive Serbia. So the tree mailed to my address which is warm which means my dad went to his house to plant it, which meant I told him my sister (henceforth known as Samantha Jones) was planning to go to his cabin anyways and should just give it to her to plant. Save the drive. But my dad loves his family, onions, green beans, and long drives. He wasn't going to give up the opportunity to drive 8 hours, NAY! He was going to use this as an opportunity to see his grandkids. It had been too long, less than a week. So he invited Lois Wilkerson (Malcolm in the Middle's mom)  and the grandkids. So Fast Growing Trees, you done fucked up, but so did Gurneys, and the USDA. But this is on you, don't say you ship in April.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled Family

The issue is Samantha Jones wants to have the family shared houses all to herself. I'll pause for people to vomit at the phrase "family shared houses." Yes I know first world problems, 1% problems and just wait for me to say "honestly we really aren't that rich, plus it's my parents, not me. I'm just like the rest of you. Working Class. My first Audi was used. Of course I'm kidding, my first car was a Toyota almost as old as me, but we are blessed/lucky/fortunate/and yea a lot better off than most people and I do acknowledge the heck out of that. 

Anywho Samantha doesn't want to be around Lois and her kids. The kids are a lot as kids are, but they're our future and you deal with it. My mom has shared a beach house with her brother and has kicked the beach ball down year after year to ever state how the cousins should share the house. She is an ostrich, her head is in the sand on most things. "I don't want to deal with this" and "can you just not right now" are the most likely responses she gives to me. But generally the unspoken rule is if you want the house to yourself for a weekend you have to ask in advance, and my mom and uncle can use it regardless of any hold. My dad has his cabin and there are no holds because Samantha Jones and Lois aren't typically falling over themselves to go to the boonies. It's me and my family that use it the most and we can fit in one bedroom. It just so happens the boonies gets some good snow which is fun for snow activities. So Samantha told me she was going to the cabin. Well then dad "needed" to plant his trees and invited Lois and thus the house was no longer a wintery retreat but rather is on course to be a boisterous event. 

But we aren't white sweater people ya know? Christmas dinner is not a sit down event and when it was pre-grandkids, it wasn't like we lingered at the table chatting over a few glasses of red wine in our white cable knit sweaters calmly discussing current events. No. We eat meals off plastic plates, the bougier version of paper but still the plates you see in a Cialis commercial where a man is at a grill barbequeing oversized sausages and plopping them on a plate to hand out while a disembodied voice says "Do not use Cialis if you use an ace inhibitor, have a history of heart disease, or use blood thinners. Ask your doctor is Cialis is right for you. Have your sausage and eat it too. Cialis." White sweater Christmas people don't eat on paper plates with Christmas trees on them, they eat off china and know what a cloche is. Samantha wants to be that person if you look at her house, but she likes the circus she got despite wanting to appear fancy. A normal Christmas pre-grandkids around would have had her

have some action movie blasting in surround sound in the background, my mom would have been putting on a Christmas CD too loud, Lois would have been knitting a scarf, dad would have been vacuuming for no reason, the dog would be on the sofa licking himself loudly, and I would have been texting whatever boyfriend I had at that time because there was always someone. It was never a silent night. Boisterous and messy noise has always been our thing.

So Samantha and Lois, where did it all go wrong that they can't be around each other? Samantha thinks Lois and Hal don't handle the kids enough and it falls onto the others. But Lois is doing more in a day than most people to handle her circus. She does need breaks. Samantha wants reprieves and doesn't want to be around kids, but the vacation houses are not hers. We don't do birthright here. And my parents exacerbate this problem by having no standard around "booking" the house. Also Samantha didn't tell anyone but me that she was going. I can't grant that permission. And my mom may be an ostrich and ignore all problems but my dad is the personification of an ellipses and just dot dot dots into no reply at all. "Hey dad your daughters are at each others throats and this is becoming a 5 year issue that hasn't been solved and Samantha is starting to actively hate Lois." Dad's reply "well they should calm down...." Insightful. Thanks dad. 

Samantha has been feeling wronged regarding the booking of houses (entitlement) and Lois and Hal are exhausted but the responsibility of their kids does rest on them (enablement). At the very least they should acknowledge the help they are given and assign direction for the help, like you know. Asking. But Samantha doesn't have to help as much as she does, especially if she views it as a grievance. And Lois shouldn't necessarily take the help knowing how it makes Samantha angry. Empathy is lacking. My parents have chosen their own unique ways to never communicate effectively and I am just watching this train wreck happen month after month. Truthfully there are a lot of issues not addressed here because a diatribe of issues isn't exactly fluff, but something should be done and it isn't happening. 

So what should I do? How can I help? Is there another joke I could make at others expense? I can bring my sisters back together by pitting them against me. Yes. The dynamic that we have always had is for the two to be against the one. And nothing heals like mutual hatred, nothing unites like a common enemy, or at least give them something to gossip about me and some stupid nonsense. I shall text them now "My new pitbull Bruno!!!!  He does vomit in the car so he's not a travel boy, so can yall watch him while my fam goes to the island house? Thanksss"