Now Kithss

 So I wanted a fluff fun book. When you live in a warzone like the United States where mass shootings are resolved with thoughts and prayers as much as tots and pears you sometimes want an escape. So after a few Google searches I decided on The Unhoneymooners. You know that scenario when a wife walks into a room to see her husband cheating and he says "it's not what it looks like, we fell naked onto each other and then the foundation of the apartment complex was settling and so we just stayed that way?" That scene actually happened. The not real couple is pretending to be on a honeymoon in Hawaii, how original, to keep a free trip. Apparently a horny teen on the snorkel boat is so smitten with the idea of love he insists on the couple going to the bathroom together to change. Such a common occurrence no? Teens are constantly looking at older 30 somethings and hoping to create a romantic moment between them.  Naturally the boat moves while they are changing and they pirouette 180 degrees to fall naked facing each other. If I had a dollar every time that happened! 

Later on in the book they go for a couples massage to find zoinks! There is only one massage table! The therapist says she will teach them how to massage each other because golly they are so in love. I'd be fucking livid if I paid for a massage only to be told I would be giving it. I don't go to a restaurant and order a complex soufflé only to be delivered some eggs and a whisk. I have had massages from my husband, it's typically about three pinches before he has fully zoned out on the TV and his hand just hovers on my leg.  But this is the way of the book, the couple will only discover their true feelings for each other if they are forced to be naked and touching. Honestly the porn tropes of a pizza delivery guy are more realistic. I'm not finished with the book but I'm waiting for a scene where a dog just runs up and eats all of the womans clothes before scooting off and the man farts so vigorously he is rocketed out of his outfit, thrust through the air, and her curvy boobs (mentioned every other page) peel apart and catch him like a foul ball.

Based on the descriptions of the characters I decided to Google image what these characters look like. The man is described as pure muscle, of course, and the woman loves to bake! She's a curvy gal but oh so self conscious about it. Nothing more empowering than reading a book about a woman who hates her body and describes the man as perfection. Now naturally the man hasn't worked out at all, he's just pure muscle, and she likes cheese damn it. She likes food and cheese, she's so relatable. I too eat. She's the every woman. Well low and behold my Google result brought up images of the book, and then a related image of another book. "A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality." I don't need a book to tell me how to do that. It's called never have sex and never make a child. The sex is two-fold. If I was ever with a man who wanted to prevent homosexuality I would run vagina first into the first woman wearing Chacos that I saw. Second only people committing the act of hetero sex make homosexual kids. It's their fault. Don't make a kid. You're a piece of shit, don't drag a human baby into your shit orbit.