California Vegan

 It's a little after the fact, but about 6 weeks ago we were in California visting Ky's fam. The Californians were on their most Cali behavior. From eating disorders to body dysmorphia it was as expected. 

Upon arriving in LA, our baby fell off the bed. It was my fault, he crawled, a new skill, off the edge like a little dumb penguin waddling off an ice ledge into the water below. I felt awful, but I worried what this meant as the start of our trip. Luckily that was a low point. 

We arrived at the great grandparents and it's always fun to see when an apple falls from a tree and doesn't roll. It doesn't move. It drops and it lands on wet concrete. The conversations with extended family went a little like this "wine?... oh the crackers are in the cabinet [above 15 empty bottles of wine]... He barely eats anything [he being an old man holding wine]....I only gained 3 pounds when I was pregnant... oh really I didn't know that. I gained 7 pounds....If I can't work out I will kill myself, seriously if I can't get back to the gym and exercising I will *motions gun to head* I mean I will just absolutely *motions blowing brains out* I just keep gaining weight [approximately 5'8 and 115 pounds." The miming of suicide in case of getting fat was impressive but I wanted a little more creativity. Each time it was suicide by gun, but you got fat. You don't deserve something that quick you pig pig piggy. You should have mimed driving to Home Depot, not the one on Desert Valley, the one in Indio because fatty pigs need to drive through traffic. Then mime buying rope, YouTubing how to tie a noose  because you are an absolute sphere. Then tying your noose to a fan and then kicking out the chair. There's a sudden snap. The fan has broken under the weight of your horrific huge size. Now get the gun. 

Like I said eating disorders and wine, the apple fell off the tree and thought "this is the only place for me to exist." I still laughed when Ky asked his mom if she wanted butter on her toast and she literally screamed a gutteral feral "NOOOOOO" so instantly I heard a little pop of the sound barrier shattering. Butter is the cause of 5.3% of all deaths annually. What? What's that? No, not butter, but alcohol. Oh no I think that's fine in moderation. Moderation is determined by each person's opinion of course. Which is why I heard the ladies gabbing "I'm not an alcoholic am I?" "Nooo" they all cooed in unison with crimson stained lips. "If you're one I mean I would be one too." I watched the drunk waifs thinking my gosh they're all so close to looking in the mirror. 

These ladies even their alcohol consumption out though by being vegan. Well talking about being vegan which is like the same thing. It benefits your mental health to feel better than others and that's something. Goat cheese and meat here and there don't count. And bring up that your grandkids are vegan, that's important when you first meet someone. "Hey I'm not going to ask you any getting to know you questions, but my grandson doesn't eat cream cheese and I need you to know that." We met a couple who had been vegan for 3 years, they were eating a croissant with butter obviously, but like Bruno we don't talk about that. Ky's family is not vegan, but his mom does eat a quesadilla without cheese, you may be thinking "how is that a quesadilla and not a sad bean sandwich? And the answer is delusion. 

When Ky and I would drive places we would drive his brothers car. The car smells like you're about to be dry humped by a 17 year old. A Black Ice air freshener, stale cheap beer, tobacco, and some sort of body spray. If I wasn't already that car would have gotten me pregnant. It is a car where bad decisions are made. Subsequently Ky makes good decisions and would remove the drugs from the car before we drove it. Such a gentleman. 

We stayed for 3 weeks which was a long time, but it was fun, and we went to some beautiful places. Californians just have their own way about them. They call themselves sober but still smoke weed, they say they're vegan but goat cheese doesn't count, and they say they aren't alcoholics despite the quiet slosh of wine you can hear as they buzz around their house. But they're a happy liberal state, a state of denial sometimes, but it's a good state too.