How Florida Beat Covid-19

 "Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." - Ernest Hemingway

"Florida, the more North you go the more South it gets." - Unknown

I grew up going to Florida every spring break. When I was younger I have nothing but fond memories of long car rides where I would wake up to my parents stopping at a diner and getting fresh orange juice surrounded by palm trees and two parents who looked a bit rough after an 18 hour straight drive. As I got older and we would walk Duval street in Key West I noticed more of the locals, people I affectionately called toasties. They were bread left in the toaster on the highest setting a smidge too long, just past the point where you could spread creamy butter across the surface and more to the point of a scraping knife sound over the sink as you smack the burnt pieces off and try to salvage the rest. A little too brown, a little too rough, and the butter would just sit on the no longer warm surface like the oils they had lathered themselves up in. It seemed their brains had gone through a toaster as well, fried beyond use from drugs and alcohol and ready to perform street stunts like choking themselves in a straight jacket and chains while turning purple for a dollar. That particular time the toastie asked for audience help, my father begrudingly chained up the man, and perhaps it was his military father or years of camping, but him and my mother tied a knot a little too well. The escape act turned into a horror show as the man asphixated and the sun set on the beautiful coast line. Some one helped, I don't remember the details, but I do know nothing has changed. Florida despite the years that stand between me and the choking man, has managed to remain untethered to the chains of intelligence, free from the restraits of common sense.

As we drove down through the Southern states we passed the usual sights. The doldrums of the south, billboards and fast food restuarants, and the odd Confederate flag flying proudly in front of run down trailers. As we entered Florida the driving become increasingly errant. Every car transformed into a raised pickup truck with drivers who had seemingly just killed a hooker in Grand Theft Auto and were trying to weave through traffic to avoid the cops. Then there were just the regular swerving cars, with every single one of them, and I am not exaggerating, holding a cell phone smack in front of their faces while driving. I will mention not a single one seemed under 40 so this was not a stupid teenager. The stupid teenagers I've seen have been too busy vaping in parking lots to text and drive. 

We had gone through a few rest stop bathrooms where I noticed an alarming and exciting trend. I thought perhaps this is a fluke, a pipe dream. Upon entry into the hotel I realized it must be true. Somewhere along the coridor of the Florida Georgia line I had passed through an invisible barrier. Like an air blower blasting your sand away when you enter a beach town McDonalds, we had passed the barrier where Covid-19 cannot exist. Yes that's right. Florida beat Covid-19. It was the only plausible reason that I could see all their brown methed out faces. They were living the salt life and the mask free life. Surely this was not an example of hoards of idiots simutaneously agreeing to ignore a global pandemic, for if I believed that I would be as stupid as all those conspiracy theorists out there calling the Stoneman Douglas shooting a hoax by crisis actors. No, they truly must have beaten this virus, there could be no other rationale. 

Through hard work and dedication to arresting the data scientist and georgrapher Rebekah Jones for reporting covid statistics, and careful observation of the African Ostrich, Floridians managed to ignore the thousands of sick and dying Americans and global community alike. Ignorance truly has been their bliss. Sure the statistics show an alarming number of people have passed from the sunny state and their new positive tally is five times greater than states twice their size, but I have to trust the mask free people know what they're doing. Who wouldn't trust a sun crisped individual with barbed wire tattoos, a pick up truck with a Don't Tread on Me sticker, and a cell phone in front of their face as they cross fully into another lane of traffic narrowly avoiding another car. Is Florida ranked the the 5th dumbest state? Yes. Do they love a child sex offender as their representative. Absolutely and don't ask me to clarify which one. I'm sure they love them all equally. And do they have the third lowest literacy rates which could prohibit them from reading scientic articles about Covid? Yes, their state is a mere 80% literate. And I know what most of the Floridians are thinking, sure 80% may not be bright, but I'm in the other 40%. 

They can't help it, but they did help their covid numbers. By ignoring all science, evidence, and human decency, they have blissfully continued to fry their skin and brains, and now respiratory systems (and yours too if you're unlucky enough to find yourself near them). It's all the South knows. It's not the heat, it's the stupidity.