There is Nothing Like a Dame

Visiting Pearl Harbor was not what I expected. First and foremost there was very little parking for what is surely one of the most known battle sites in U.S. history. Second in WW2 video footage you see the lush island of Hawaii, you see those men, some of whom lost their life, playing on the beaches, relaxing, and enjoying the gorgeous scenery. Now decades later Oahu is decidedly more built up, and Pearl Harbor could almost go unnoticed when driving by.

My grandpa had quite the war stories, while I never delved into asking him questions directly, I heard them through other family members. I don't know, call me crazy, but a bunch of people dying because of a megalomaniac is a little depressing and not something my child self was wanting to know more about. I preferred his stories about dogs and his father hating the Catholics so much he would let their dog pee on the church steps everyday on their walk through New York. 

It was the start of reported covid sicknesses cropping up in the state (we all know damn well they were happening before they were reported) and there were large groups of people everywhere, mostly tourists I would assume from around the world. Not only was Pearl Harbor a depressing trip on it's own as you see where thousands of innocent people perished but adding the threat of a coughing family of Italians in a cramped movie theater and I was not loving it. 

We were ushered onto a boat and taken to the sunken sight of one submarine when the first glimmer of hope burst through the brightly lit graveyard. Like a glittery Edward Cullen standing in the sun there stood a white pillar of a man. Legs as thick and solid as tree trunks, tight white pants riding up his Thor-geous thighs, seems bursting with pride all the way to his baby blue boxer briefs with a single inch inseam and elastic gripped around his waist like a life ring buoy. The white ensemble continued with perfectly ironed pleats, a jaunty little collar, and the cherry on top his little hat resting on his thick coiffed hair. 

A man his size should be seen lumbering through a gym like a gorilla, but this man was not. He was lighter on his feet than Mikhail Baryshnikov as he pirouetted up onto the boat to drive the helm. He leapt from dock to boat with a twirl in the air landing softly as a cat perched up the bow of the boat. He was the most fabulous sea man I had ever seen. I wondered to myself about how don't ask don't tell lasted so long. Don't ask, don't tell, instead SHOW! In my head I was watching a chorus line of Naval men singing, skipping, and gallivanting through the sand belting "there is nothing like a dame" knowing half the men in the chorus line were just stoked everyone else wanted to sing with them for a change. I mean it's the gayest song ever. Tanned men in crop tops with busting abs sing "we've got mangoes and bananas we can pick right off a tree." You have other fruits you know. Lycee and Passion Fruit are far more common and aren't penis and ball shaped. It continues on... "what ain't we got?" Women. The answer is women. I mean I would love to write a gay parody of the song, but you can't. They already did it. "We feel restless, we feel blue, we feel lonely and in brief, we feel every kind of feeling, but the feeling of relief." You know half the Navy men were winking at each other during that song. Nothing to substitute a woman, yea we'll see. Give it a few more months. Pecks are at least an A cup. 

Not long after visiting Pearl Harbor I met a man who had spent several years in the Navy. While seemingly very competent and professional in his job he came off as the crass unfortunate caricature you come to expect from military men. He was an obnoxious loud unapologetic drunk with a tinge of racism despite being half black. He would be deployed and spend several months on submarines patrolling the oceanic waters. He mentioned how they clipped a picture of a bikini clad model from a magazine and would use her to mark the days left on the submarine. That is until one man complained about the unprofessional-ism of having a large cut out of a near naked woman in lieu of a calendar in a public space. This man found him to be a real buzzkill. Who needs professionalism when you work for the US Government? I mean there is certainly none going on in the highest office, why should a bunch of men underwater be held to any sort of standard? It's not like tax dollars are paying for them. Oh wait.

Needless to say this gent was displeased with the changing tides (hah) of the Navy. He didn't even think women should be on submarine missions, the temptation would be too great. She'd be a beacon calling out to harassers. They would grow weary of walking the length of their metal shaft and instead see the boxy shape of their female companion and her buzzed hair cut and name tag with Alexa but goes by Lex. They would long to feel her bonded breast and sculpted abs under their calloused hands. They would think to themselves "this is nothing like a dame" and then suddenly see the opportunity all around them. I mean those uniforms aren't white for no reason. But seriously heaven forbid you keep you anchors aweigh in your pants, your pipe down, your gun holstered, your rope tied, your rig unmounted...

And that brings me to boat people. What the fuck is with boat people. Why does spending $50,000 on a boat mean there is an 80% chance you are a redneck? Is there a banking catalog sent to every rural town where you can direct deposit half your income to a boat or truck with a small disclaimer that truck deposits may only be spent on raised trucks? After ten successful boat deposits you are automatically sent a Yeti cooler and a beer coozie that adheres to the boat so your can of Natty won't tip. If it did it would mingle with the lake water and you'd never be able to tell the difference. Someone might say "well if you drink the lake water you'd be sat on the toilet all night" but that's no different than your normal routine after 20 beers and a steak that was inevitably held and wiggled in front of your crotch as you leered at your buddies before popping it on the grill.

And you may think "why is the boat on a lake? How do you know it's not on the ocean?" Well sure, these boats can go anywhere, but boat people are most comfortable on lakes. Lakes draw a certain crowd.  I believe if you have visited lakes in the north on hikes there is a good chance you believe in climate change and got your flu shot. If you visit lakes in the south there is a good chance you have set yourself on fire as a dare and have a brother you don't talk to. And I thought maybe I'm dramatic and lakes can be nice, normal people can enjoy lakes. Then the Trump boat parties began and I realized my gut instinct was right. 

The irony of all of this is lakes can be beautiful, boats can be enjoyable, and there is nothing wrong with a gorgeous man performing ballet on a tropical island. I got all three on my boat ride through Pearl Harbor. I simply hope there will be a time when all people will appreciate and respect others and their pirouetting ways.