I'm Pan. I go for everyone
Unless you've been living under a rock, then you're fully aware the people of the world are currently suffering from a pandemic. And if you are living under a rock I advise you stay put. You're probably better off there. But as an anxious person I say welcome to anxiety I'm sorry you're here. That shortness of breath you're feeling is either the virus or just your run of the mill panic attack. You may feel you need to poop more. Doctors say once a day is normal and healthy, and twice a day is nothing to worry about. Just wait till you start hitting those days when you're checking into the bathroom 10 times a day and its just a Tuesday and you're avoiding sending an email. Can't send emails if you're pooping you mind tells you.
But I am sorry people are panicked. I had panicked initially, but I am doing what I can, which is staying home and avoiding people. I've ordered groceries, wiped down surfaces, and have been taking several baths a day. As a person with anxiety the fear of the everyday is pretty normal. My mind is always preparing for the worst situation. Recently I went to Hawaii and was camping on a stunning beach. Black volcano stone, gorgeous blue massive waves crashing against the onyx cliffs, and my boyfriend had just proposed. You normal people would be thrilled. You'd be like wow this is a dream. And I thought that too but I was in a Chinese level badminton game with the thoughts in my mind about the campground. First of all it was right next to a graveyard. I had seen that on the map when booking, but I thought it'd be slightly further than 50 yards away. It was not. And there was a missing person poster for a woman in her 20's who disappeared in July. The beach did have ferocious waves and jagged rocks. Not swimming friendly, and it had a blow hole which could kill you. But the engagement, the beauty, the hikes and obliterating my fiance in Dutch Blitz multiple times did not ease my mind at night sleeping. No I was awake fearing the graveyard, fearing for the missing woman, fearing the waves would rise due to a tsunami from Japan and wash my tent away. I already can imagine bad things. Starting at age 7 I remember distinctly fearing my throat being slit in my sleep. I would lay perfectly still in my bed barely breathing sweating under the covers to keep my neck covered. Like my jersey cotton was actually chain mail. So when the bad things are going on I sort of assumed it anyways. Still not happy about it, but can't say it was unexpected.
In an attempt to comfort me about the graveyard Kyle said "well at least its a newer graveyard" as if fresh dead bodies are more soothing than long gone. They are not for the record. He also said the woman probably fell off a cliff (probably accurate unfortunately as they are very dangerous) before trying to get me to go on a hike around the edge of the rocks. I didn't realize he had a ring in his pocket ready to drop a knee. He had to wait as I insisted we turn around and not walk without water. But even in my fear I was still enjoying myself. Again I was on a vacation in Hawaii camping in Hana. But we the anxious exist in this weird pull between wonderful things we are thankful for and scary things that keep us up at night. That wasn't all the fear fault though, we were camping after all. It's not that comfortable.
Something I did not expect was my sore throat. No, not because I think I am sick, but because I have been yelling at my parents to stay put. When you tell a toddler don't touch that all they want to do is touch that object. When you tell people to stay inside it seems the only thing they can't think about is leaving. I have worked from home for years and am use to the quiet solitude of being inside most of the day. There have been weeks and weeks of beautiful days I watched from a window while running 5 hour meetings. This is essentially no change for me. I already prefer online shopping, I am still exercising, just outside instead of a gym, and then spending the other 5 hours of free time watching Netflix.
My parents however are stir crazy. My mom is having Home Goods withdrawal and twitches every time she sees a throw pillow. My dad went to work which is against the guidelines for his age group. This is a man who likes to remind me speed limits save lives but is ignoring that staying put will save lives too. So I have been herding cats aka my parents and am simultaneously preparing for having teenagers. "Don't you dare leave this house...do not touch that...I do not want you going to that event... you should stay away from them, I don't trust them....wash your hands immediately...don't touch your face...need anything from the store?" I literally watched my mom take pizza out of the air fryer with her hands, burn herself, then reach back into the air fryer to try and grab the pizza a second time but was stopped when I swatted her arm away. "Don't touch that" I said "you literally just burned yourself." I then got her a pair of tongs to use while she said "I only got burned because I touched the side." It's an interesting dynamic to have, but I only have these boundaries for their protection because I love them! I am officially a parent, I don't care what people say. I even took the broken dryer apart in an attempt to fix it only to realize I don't know what the frick I'm doing. Should it smell like burnt wire? Whose to say.
Everyone keeps saying this is a historical unprecedented time. And it certainly is different for my lifetime, but all generations go through their struggles. My grandfather lived at the time of Pearl Harbor and then joined the Navy. Pearl Harbor is a day that will live in infamy, but people tend to forget or misremember. In Hawaii I asked Kyle if he knew when Pearl Harbor was bombed before we attended the memorial site. He had no idea. I insisted he guess. He said May 1956. He of course was way wrong, actually 11 years late for the war ending and 15 years off from the date. And I could drag him from not knowing it was December 7th, 1941 but he could drag me that I had to use the calculator app to do 1956-1941 so we are sort of even.
All in all life always has bad surprises so take care of yourself. But instead of poverty, racism, cancer, and the like, where only certain people are effected, this is a pan-demic. It is into us all and identifies itself as fluid, well in fluid. So we are in this shitty boat together, let's fight it together, help each other, put our parents on child leashes and settle down for some binge worthy TV.
But I am sorry people are panicked. I had panicked initially, but I am doing what I can, which is staying home and avoiding people. I've ordered groceries, wiped down surfaces, and have been taking several baths a day. As a person with anxiety the fear of the everyday is pretty normal. My mind is always preparing for the worst situation. Recently I went to Hawaii and was camping on a stunning beach. Black volcano stone, gorgeous blue massive waves crashing against the onyx cliffs, and my boyfriend had just proposed. You normal people would be thrilled. You'd be like wow this is a dream. And I thought that too but I was in a Chinese level badminton game with the thoughts in my mind about the campground. First of all it was right next to a graveyard. I had seen that on the map when booking, but I thought it'd be slightly further than 50 yards away. It was not. And there was a missing person poster for a woman in her 20's who disappeared in July. The beach did have ferocious waves and jagged rocks. Not swimming friendly, and it had a blow hole which could kill you. But the engagement, the beauty, the hikes and obliterating my fiance in Dutch Blitz multiple times did not ease my mind at night sleeping. No I was awake fearing the graveyard, fearing for the missing woman, fearing the waves would rise due to a tsunami from Japan and wash my tent away. I already can imagine bad things. Starting at age 7 I remember distinctly fearing my throat being slit in my sleep. I would lay perfectly still in my bed barely breathing sweating under the covers to keep my neck covered. Like my jersey cotton was actually chain mail. So when the bad things are going on I sort of assumed it anyways. Still not happy about it, but can't say it was unexpected.
In an attempt to comfort me about the graveyard Kyle said "well at least its a newer graveyard" as if fresh dead bodies are more soothing than long gone. They are not for the record. He also said the woman probably fell off a cliff (probably accurate unfortunately as they are very dangerous) before trying to get me to go on a hike around the edge of the rocks. I didn't realize he had a ring in his pocket ready to drop a knee. He had to wait as I insisted we turn around and not walk without water. But even in my fear I was still enjoying myself. Again I was on a vacation in Hawaii camping in Hana. But we the anxious exist in this weird pull between wonderful things we are thankful for and scary things that keep us up at night. That wasn't all the fear fault though, we were camping after all. It's not that comfortable.
Something I did not expect was my sore throat. No, not because I think I am sick, but because I have been yelling at my parents to stay put. When you tell a toddler don't touch that all they want to do is touch that object. When you tell people to stay inside it seems the only thing they can't think about is leaving. I have worked from home for years and am use to the quiet solitude of being inside most of the day. There have been weeks and weeks of beautiful days I watched from a window while running 5 hour meetings. This is essentially no change for me. I already prefer online shopping, I am still exercising, just outside instead of a gym, and then spending the other 5 hours of free time watching Netflix.
My parents however are stir crazy. My mom is having Home Goods withdrawal and twitches every time she sees a throw pillow. My dad went to work which is against the guidelines for his age group. This is a man who likes to remind me speed limits save lives but is ignoring that staying put will save lives too. So I have been herding cats aka my parents and am simultaneously preparing for having teenagers. "Don't you dare leave this house...do not touch that...I do not want you going to that event... you should stay away from them, I don't trust them....wash your hands immediately...don't touch your face...need anything from the store?" I literally watched my mom take pizza out of the air fryer with her hands, burn herself, then reach back into the air fryer to try and grab the pizza a second time but was stopped when I swatted her arm away. "Don't touch that" I said "you literally just burned yourself." I then got her a pair of tongs to use while she said "I only got burned because I touched the side." It's an interesting dynamic to have, but I only have these boundaries for their protection because I love them! I am officially a parent, I don't care what people say. I even took the broken dryer apart in an attempt to fix it only to realize I don't know what the frick I'm doing. Should it smell like burnt wire? Whose to say.
Everyone keeps saying this is a historical unprecedented time. And it certainly is different for my lifetime, but all generations go through their struggles. My grandfather lived at the time of Pearl Harbor and then joined the Navy. Pearl Harbor is a day that will live in infamy, but people tend to forget or misremember. In Hawaii I asked Kyle if he knew when Pearl Harbor was bombed before we attended the memorial site. He had no idea. I insisted he guess. He said May 1956. He of course was way wrong, actually 11 years late for the war ending and 15 years off from the date. And I could drag him from not knowing it was December 7th, 1941 but he could drag me that I had to use the calculator app to do 1956-1941 so we are sort of even.
All in all life always has bad surprises so take care of yourself. But instead of poverty, racism, cancer, and the like, where only certain people are effected, this is a pan-demic. It is into us all and identifies itself as fluid, well in fluid. So we are in this shitty boat together, let's fight it together, help each other, put our parents on child leashes and settle down for some binge worthy TV.
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