New Friends

Ky and I were talking about New Year's Resolutions. He said he wants to make more friends and I agreed, but said it's a bit hard. Meeting and bonding with people post-college is tough. You're at work most of the day, and I work in a very independent line of work where I see my co-workers once a year at a conference. Beyond that you may have hobbies but it's hard to meet people when your favorite hobby is watching Netflix. Of course there is Netflix and chill, but I think Ky would be irked if I start hooking up with other people just to talk to someone different. 

I told him I find making friends as a woman is hard, seemingly harder than for men. He has recently befriended a man from work. They have gotten beer. They talk about work. The guy had a girlfriend who just broke up with him. That is the extent of the depth of their friendship. They are nailing it. For women it feels like we tend to go much deeper. I imagined coming into a new friendship with a bulletin board of key people, places, likes and dislikes, all connected with red yarn and each with an asterisk expanding on unique details. 

Me: "Ok so my ex recently liked a picture on my Facebook, but it was of my dog" 

New Friend (NF): "Ew creepy"

Me: "No it's not, he was super hot and we ended on good terms"

NF: "Oh right. Well maybe y'all could get back together"

Me: "Are you fucking kidding me? Do you listen? He was such a douche, I cried endlessly and he called pitbulls dangerous when we were on vacation just to piss me off"

NF: "But you don't have a pitbull"

Me: "Yes I do, we got his DNA tested and even though he looks mixed he is predominantly a pit. Anyways let's move on. Is your dickish brother still with his girlfriend?"

NF: "Wow first of all he's not a dick. I think we should just switch gears entirely. Did you see Below Deck?"

Me: "Yes what a roller coaster. So much drama."

NF: "Right Ashton is gorg."

Me: "Get the fuck out. We're done."

The point is at least for me there are many nuances to each relationship and that stuff takes years to navigate much less have valid insight into. If you go the route of bonding over interests or hobbies you better hope you can talk about them a lot. Because I can talk a lot. Having one TV show isn't going to cut it. You need shows, books, activities, celebrities, hobbies, and relaxation tips on hand for conversation. And you better be ready to share those quirky feelings. No one wants to feel judged. When you say you think Pete Davidson is dead sexy and you would drop your husband for a chance to ride that comedic pony I will respond with overwhelming support and a gif of shirtless Pete laughing. Then I tell her I have recurring dreams that Rob Gronkowski carries me around and it's not even a sexual dream, but in my dream he carries me and I feel safe and secure even though I hate football. And I hope good things for him because of the kindness he shows me in my sleep. And she'd say yea his body is inane and he seems nice but a little dumb but dumb in a way that is endearing not climate change denying.

But that level of trust to share takes time.  I feel men are more straight forward. Got one similar interest? Perfect, that will sustain conversation for decades if it involves a ball. 

Sometimes I think I cause my mom immense panic when I talk to lesbians. It started at my sisters wedding when I was getting my hair done. There was a lesbian hairdresser who did my hair and talked to me about Draco Malfoy. We were bonding over Harry Potter and shooting the breeze as she molded my hair into an intricate design of braids. I had an undercut at the time which was 100% a lesbo neon sign to my mom. As we laughed my mom kept popping up like a prairie dog unnecessarily bringing up my boyfriend in very un-casual conversation. A frantic reminder that I was in fact in relationship for several years at that point with a man and we were so close we shared a dog. An erratic reminder that even though she didn't approve of this man and didn't approve of us sleeping within a 10 foot radius of each other the fact he had a penis was of utmost importance.

The thing is, I have always felt I have a personality and interests outside the person I'm dating so my boyfriend at the time hadn't come up. He had no need to. He didn't want to talk about taking the sorting hat quiz or how to tone blonde hair. Lol jk he did want to talk about hair all the time and that is why I dated him, but I didn't need to replace him.  I'm not sure if my mom thought I was going to accidentally skip the wedding then scissor the hairdresser into the sunset or get her number, accidentally call her, agree to a date, get ready, meet up, then cheat on my boyfriend who again I was very aware I had. I laughed off her bizarre fear and went on with my life.

Yesterday I was invited to hang out with my massage therapist. We have enjoy talking to each other over the months, mostly about politics, our families, our therapists, vacation spots, and generally getting to know each other. I know she is dating a woman which is her preference and she knows all about my boyfriend. All in all ... friends. I told my mom I was excited about a potential new friendship. She immediately said "she's not a lesbian is she?" And I said beyond that not mattering, she's queer. She asked if she knew I had a boyfriend which of course she does, but it's worth mentioning Ky is not the reason I haven't jumped ship off men into the lady pool. My boyfriend is not holding me back kicking and screaming as I bat flying dicks away from my face. And a friendly woman is not the siren commanding me to switch teams. Like Mike Pence, I did not choose to like men, it just sort of happened. And what has bonded my friendships in the past is not talking about our boyfriends, it's talking and talking and talking. And lesbians are the freaking best at that.