Dumb Dumb Duhduhm
Wedding bells are ringing. Megan Markle is marrying Prince Harry. Yes. THE ROYAL WEDDING (* say that in a really haughty faux British accent). And honestly no one should care. I like watching wedding shows because I like seeing different fashions and how people decorate, but that's more because I fully enjoy girly shit. I don't however see any more particular joy in marrying a "royal." First of all let's get real, "royal" is like the politically correct version of white supremacy. You didn't do anything to earn your royalness, you were just born into it and now you are somehow superior to others. It's just sort of ridiculous to value you it all.
So I don't really care Prince Harry is a "royal" but I'll admit he is cute and does nice things for charity. Good on him. But marrying him looks like a royal pain in the ass. The whole royals are just one giant facade of classiness but really its just money and an accent. If they didn't have such poles up their arses with their class acts (and it is an act) I'd bet their family tree would look a lot different and Camilla-ish (maybe even colorful a bit sooner than now).
So I was on the phone with the boif and talking about weddings. At this point I am fairly sure my boyfriend will never propose out of sheer fear of me and my opinions. I remember in high school snarking so much about the Homecoming dance that a cute boy named Kevin (I never realized I've had so many crushes on K names) didn't ask me because he thought I wasn't interested in going. But I did want to go! And he freaked out and didn't ask me. But I'm just a cynical bitch on the outside! And on the inside I'm a cynical bit....never mind.
Well I am going on a date to a wedding with Kyle. And I am not excited. Weddings fall into several categories, but generally fun isn't one of them. They can be boring, they can leave you hungry, or vomiting in your grandparents house as you insist it wasn't the alcohol it was the chicken, or broke because you have to buy a dress and hair and makeup and you spend an hour flirting with the hairdresser to get some good braids but then remember you're straight (she was a Slytherin, I'm a Hufflepuff, it would never have worked), but most of all weddings are just stressful and fake.
You have to travel which means packing. But you have to pack super well. For me this means a small duffle bag of makeup and hair care products to tame my mane and make my face not look like I was stung by a hive of bees every night. I don't know what I am failing at in life, but I have a skinny face yet I wake up with swollen eyes and nose everyday. I look like an old fashioned cartoon of an alcoholic.
"Tea did you go on an all night bender last night? You look like you're in the midst of cirrhosis" "Nope!' I respond excitedly "That's just my face after 8 hours of blissful sleep, plenty of water, and an incredibly comfortable bed."
My face tends to settle down at night when I'm going to bed and no one will see me. Perfect timing body, you nailed it. So you have to pack everything and all your outfits, shoes, and accessories pre-planned. If you've ever watched a high maintenance person get ready you know damn well you don't get the outfit right on the first go. Your room will look like it was hit by a tornado. So you have to plan first, then pack, then clean the tornado of your room only to get to the wedding and feel differently than you did when you packed the outfit.
Ok onto the wedding ceremony. I am happy you found love. Mazel. But you and I both know that you said he was boring when you drunkenly banged it out throughout college but then you decided you were too lazy to date around so you chose to settle down. I would listen to that story but what is this fairy tale you're hawking of him being the most caring partner that you just always knew it was right. They always give the cleaned up version of love. No one says the truth. They found love and after years of hemming and hawing and an ultimatum, he finally proposed. The only time I have enjoyed the ceremonies is when I'm dating a gossipy guy.
I have enjoyed weddings as a date to boyfriends who loved to share all the drama whispering 'she turned him down for years, dated that dude in the front first, but then he cheated on her and she was so down trodden she finally said yes to him then her ex married her cousin but he cheats on her too.' This is the only way I will be entertained during the ceremony. I didn't even notice my sisters wedding ceremony because I was too busy trying not to pass out in the hot church while standing on a little tiny stair in high heels holding bouquets of flowers that felt like they weighed 20 pounds staring at my boyfriend who was probably shitting himself looking at me on an altar. Unsurprisingly we never made that walk together.
The most religiously focused wedding I went to with the most trite traditions ended up the worst. They wrote each other love letters and nailed it in a box with wine to read when they got to their first fight or the 20th anniversary, which ever came first. The idea being you fall back in love with the letters and have a finely aged wine to aid in the process. I always wondered what happened to that box with wine and love letters when she cheated after three months. If he had known it'd be that quick he may have opted for a chilled white.
Other couples may braid a rope (Jesus is in the middle), or mix three sands (Jesus is the third sand), light a candle with three flames (Jesus is the third flame), or whatever else has always had me asking 'are they even Christian? I genuinely have never heard them mention any of this.' By all means have a religious wedding if you want it, but at least be that religion. It'd be like me walking down the aisle on an elephant in a kimono, I can do that but why? It's not me. Same thing with pre-marriage counseling with a clergy member. You think the best time to talk openly about what you need from a marriage is two weeks before you do it? You all of a sudden will take to heart the pastors advice despite being atheist? That ship has sailed. I feel I must mention they always say the same verses in wedding ceremonies. Love is patient, but I am not. And I don't want to hear the same verse about what love should be, when we have a very superficial love typically. The patient, kind, perfect love is referencing Gods' love for us. It's a high bar. It ends with love never fails. And unconditional (Godly) love doesn't. But our superficial love does. In fact about 50% of the time.
So we all know weddings were different back in the day. The gifts were for the new couple to start a home together. Pots and pans that normal 18-20 year olds didn't have yet. These were poor little love birds. But now these are equally yoked individuals marrying. If you haven't budgeted properly to buy a blender that you actually want that is not my fault. You have two incomes, you have been living together already, you have towels from Target, you've got this. I don't need to chip in to upgrade you to Restoration Warehouse. Pick a charity you like and I'll donate in your honor, but the idea of gifts from anyone who is educated with a dual income is really quite ridiculous. Then there are honey funds. I am not paying for you to bang your spouse on an island. Don't even ask. Be a savvy little saver and vacation on your own dime. Did anyone help me pay to go to Australia to find hot men to cheer me up after a bad breakup? No? If anyone needs to go on free vacations to exotic locations its the single people who want to find someone. Not the newly weds with their tax benefits. And if you think the gift should cover the cost of attending a party in honor of you, in celebration of you, for you, where you dictate what we wear, eat, drink, and do, then you should really think about who you really really really want to be there. It's already your day and your party, you're the host! If I invite you over to my house for dinner I won't be shocked when you show up empty handed.
Finally the reception. Have you ever tried to pick a restaurant with just two people and it takes forever and at least one person ends up less than happy with the food? Yea well weddings are doomed from the get go. You eat based on your mood. Everyone's food mood will be different. And mass produced food tends to not taste as good as one offs.
Worst of all would be not enough food. If I'm at a wedding, I have probably somewhat starved myself throughout the day either because I'm feeling fat and want to look decent in a dress or because I literally didn't have time to eat because I needed to spend an hour spraying down my frizz in the humid South Carolina heat. I am getting woozy from hunger and the Spanks are cutting off my circulation. I now have alcohol (it better be free) coursing through me and could care less about a muffin top belly at this point and a lot more of getting all the carbs inside of me stat. I look down and I have three pieces of vegetable ravioli (the only vegetarian option) in front of me and a table of 9 people vying for the last roll. I am not hungry, I'm hangry. If you did pick a good food and opted to have an open bar with a band and I was feeling pretty, then I may have actually had a good time at your wedding. But the food can still ruin it. Think of what works well for a 19 year old to vomit up while surrounded by sleeping family and go with that.
So with all this cynicism how would I plan a fun wedding? I surely can't complain without offering any solution? I mean I can and often do but I guess I will try here mostly for the sake of not getting dumped after publishing this. So my wedding tips. Have lots of food available at all times. Variety baby. Don't make me feel guilty stalking out the same server for the feta cheese bites. Just put food everywhere. Don't become religious for the afternoon. Embrace the fact that you're marrying someone from an app or that you peed in their bed and knew they were the one when they didn't get mad at you. Be yourself. This can be extrapolated into decor. If you don't own the barn, you don't hike, you don't go outside, then why are we sitting in a barn on hay stacks. Are you in the witness protection and pretending to be Amish until you can gather evidence on a crooked cop? No? Ok then let's not role play this Amish school house chalkboard nonsense then. Don't register for ridiculous gifts, especially if you have money or already live together. I have met people who actually wait to get engaged (while they are fully single) to invest in decent kitchen ware while buying Lululemon. Nope. Buy what you need, you don't need a spouse to have a food processor. Don't play terrible music, this includes but is not limited to any song that is an interrogative statement telling you want to do. Do the twist cha cha slide while shouting somewhere else. And most importantly be the royal family but don't act like them. Share how you really met, stumbling out of her roommates room that you were tag teaming with your best friend and talking to her the rest of the night. Embrace the messy ridiculous thing that you are, but in a fun original way.
So I don't really care Prince Harry is a "royal" but I'll admit he is cute and does nice things for charity. Good on him. But marrying him looks like a royal pain in the ass. The whole royals are just one giant facade of classiness but really its just money and an accent. If they didn't have such poles up their arses with their class acts (and it is an act) I'd bet their family tree would look a lot different and Camilla-ish (maybe even colorful a bit sooner than now).
So I was on the phone with the boif and talking about weddings. At this point I am fairly sure my boyfriend will never propose out of sheer fear of me and my opinions. I remember in high school snarking so much about the Homecoming dance that a cute boy named Kevin (I never realized I've had so many crushes on K names) didn't ask me because he thought I wasn't interested in going. But I did want to go! And he freaked out and didn't ask me. But I'm just a cynical bitch on the outside! And on the inside I'm a cynical bit....never mind.
Well I am going on a date to a wedding with Kyle. And I am not excited. Weddings fall into several categories, but generally fun isn't one of them. They can be boring, they can leave you hungry, or vomiting in your grandparents house as you insist it wasn't the alcohol it was the chicken, or broke because you have to buy a dress and hair and makeup and you spend an hour flirting with the hairdresser to get some good braids but then remember you're straight (she was a Slytherin, I'm a Hufflepuff, it would never have worked), but most of all weddings are just stressful and fake.
You have to travel which means packing. But you have to pack super well. For me this means a small duffle bag of makeup and hair care products to tame my mane and make my face not look like I was stung by a hive of bees every night. I don't know what I am failing at in life, but I have a skinny face yet I wake up with swollen eyes and nose everyday. I look like an old fashioned cartoon of an alcoholic.
"Tea did you go on an all night bender last night? You look like you're in the midst of cirrhosis" "Nope!' I respond excitedly "That's just my face after 8 hours of blissful sleep, plenty of water, and an incredibly comfortable bed."
My face tends to settle down at night when I'm going to bed and no one will see me. Perfect timing body, you nailed it. So you have to pack everything and all your outfits, shoes, and accessories pre-planned. If you've ever watched a high maintenance person get ready you know damn well you don't get the outfit right on the first go. Your room will look like it was hit by a tornado. So you have to plan first, then pack, then clean the tornado of your room only to get to the wedding and feel differently than you did when you packed the outfit.
Ok onto the wedding ceremony. I am happy you found love. Mazel. But you and I both know that you said he was boring when you drunkenly banged it out throughout college but then you decided you were too lazy to date around so you chose to settle down. I would listen to that story but what is this fairy tale you're hawking of him being the most caring partner that you just always knew it was right. They always give the cleaned up version of love. No one says the truth. They found love and after years of hemming and hawing and an ultimatum, he finally proposed. The only time I have enjoyed the ceremonies is when I'm dating a gossipy guy.
I have enjoyed weddings as a date to boyfriends who loved to share all the drama whispering 'she turned him down for years, dated that dude in the front first, but then he cheated on her and she was so down trodden she finally said yes to him then her ex married her cousin but he cheats on her too.' This is the only way I will be entertained during the ceremony. I didn't even notice my sisters wedding ceremony because I was too busy trying not to pass out in the hot church while standing on a little tiny stair in high heels holding bouquets of flowers that felt like they weighed 20 pounds staring at my boyfriend who was probably shitting himself looking at me on an altar. Unsurprisingly we never made that walk together.
The most religiously focused wedding I went to with the most trite traditions ended up the worst. They wrote each other love letters and nailed it in a box with wine to read when they got to their first fight or the 20th anniversary, which ever came first. The idea being you fall back in love with the letters and have a finely aged wine to aid in the process. I always wondered what happened to that box with wine and love letters when she cheated after three months. If he had known it'd be that quick he may have opted for a chilled white.
Other couples may braid a rope (Jesus is in the middle), or mix three sands (Jesus is the third sand), light a candle with three flames (Jesus is the third flame), or whatever else has always had me asking 'are they even Christian? I genuinely have never heard them mention any of this.' By all means have a religious wedding if you want it, but at least be that religion. It'd be like me walking down the aisle on an elephant in a kimono, I can do that but why? It's not me. Same thing with pre-marriage counseling with a clergy member. You think the best time to talk openly about what you need from a marriage is two weeks before you do it? You all of a sudden will take to heart the pastors advice despite being atheist? That ship has sailed. I feel I must mention they always say the same verses in wedding ceremonies. Love is patient, but I am not. And I don't want to hear the same verse about what love should be, when we have a very superficial love typically. The patient, kind, perfect love is referencing Gods' love for us. It's a high bar. It ends with love never fails. And unconditional (Godly) love doesn't. But our superficial love does. In fact about 50% of the time.
So we all know weddings were different back in the day. The gifts were for the new couple to start a home together. Pots and pans that normal 18-20 year olds didn't have yet. These were poor little love birds. But now these are equally yoked individuals marrying. If you haven't budgeted properly to buy a blender that you actually want that is not my fault. You have two incomes, you have been living together already, you have towels from Target, you've got this. I don't need to chip in to upgrade you to Restoration Warehouse. Pick a charity you like and I'll donate in your honor, but the idea of gifts from anyone who is educated with a dual income is really quite ridiculous. Then there are honey funds. I am not paying for you to bang your spouse on an island. Don't even ask. Be a savvy little saver and vacation on your own dime. Did anyone help me pay to go to Australia to find hot men to cheer me up after a bad breakup? No? If anyone needs to go on free vacations to exotic locations its the single people who want to find someone. Not the newly weds with their tax benefits. And if you think the gift should cover the cost of attending a party in honor of you, in celebration of you, for you, where you dictate what we wear, eat, drink, and do, then you should really think about who you really really really want to be there. It's already your day and your party, you're the host! If I invite you over to my house for dinner I won't be shocked when you show up empty handed.
Finally the reception. Have you ever tried to pick a restaurant with just two people and it takes forever and at least one person ends up less than happy with the food? Yea well weddings are doomed from the get go. You eat based on your mood. Everyone's food mood will be different. And mass produced food tends to not taste as good as one offs.
Worst of all would be not enough food. If I'm at a wedding, I have probably somewhat starved myself throughout the day either because I'm feeling fat and want to look decent in a dress or because I literally didn't have time to eat because I needed to spend an hour spraying down my frizz in the humid South Carolina heat. I am getting woozy from hunger and the Spanks are cutting off my circulation. I now have alcohol (it better be free) coursing through me and could care less about a muffin top belly at this point and a lot more of getting all the carbs inside of me stat. I look down and I have three pieces of vegetable ravioli (the only vegetarian option) in front of me and a table of 9 people vying for the last roll. I am not hungry, I'm hangry. If you did pick a good food and opted to have an open bar with a band and I was feeling pretty, then I may have actually had a good time at your wedding. But the food can still ruin it. Think of what works well for a 19 year old to vomit up while surrounded by sleeping family and go with that.
So with all this cynicism how would I plan a fun wedding? I surely can't complain without offering any solution? I mean I can and often do but I guess I will try here mostly for the sake of not getting dumped after publishing this. So my wedding tips. Have lots of food available at all times. Variety baby. Don't make me feel guilty stalking out the same server for the feta cheese bites. Just put food everywhere. Don't become religious for the afternoon. Embrace the fact that you're marrying someone from an app or that you peed in their bed and knew they were the one when they didn't get mad at you. Be yourself. This can be extrapolated into decor. If you don't own the barn, you don't hike, you don't go outside, then why are we sitting in a barn on hay stacks. Are you in the witness protection and pretending to be Amish until you can gather evidence on a crooked cop? No? Ok then let's not role play this Amish school house chalkboard nonsense then. Don't register for ridiculous gifts, especially if you have money or already live together. I have met people who actually wait to get engaged (while they are fully single) to invest in decent kitchen ware while buying Lululemon. Nope. Buy what you need, you don't need a spouse to have a food processor. Don't play terrible music, this includes but is not limited to any song that is an interrogative statement telling you want to do. Do the twist cha cha slide while shouting somewhere else. And most importantly be the royal family but don't act like them. Share how you really met, stumbling out of her roommates room that you were tag teaming with your best friend and talking to her the rest of the night. Embrace the messy ridiculous thing that you are, but in a fun original way.
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