I fucking hate fall

I fucking hate fall.

September and October can suck it. No that's too easy. A lot of people don't mind sucking it. September and October can fuck off permanently. 

Why do I hate what seems to be universally accepted as the best time of the year you ask? Well I will fill you in. 

It is the slow decline into depression. The days are getting shorter. The temperature is getting cooler. Slowly. September is the equivalent of pulling a band-aid off a hairy leg hair by hair. No one in their right mind would suggest you draw the pain out as long as possible. 

It is meandering into a cold pool, each area of your body, your crotch, you stomach, you nipples all feeling the cold sting of the water independently, drawing the process out for several minutes instead of a fast drop and somewhat relief. 

Some things are just easier when they're done quickly. 

The sun is going down earlier and earlier in the day. Well that's just fucking miserable isn't it? How many times do weather men say "unfortunately it's going to be bright and sunny this week." That's only if you need rain because you live in a desert state. I don't. I live in the east. So homie don't play that game. I don't need less light during the day. No one does. The sun actually provides a vitamin your body depends on. Let's just ensure we all lack vitamin D by having the only decent part of the day occur during working hours. It's dreary, its linked with actual psychological issues, and yet again instead of just jumping in and accepting it, we get to be in a miserable decline towards it for 16% of the year. Add to that the sickly pale color your skin takes, if you weren't already depressed, you'll certainly become depressed having to answer all the questions of "are you alright? you look sick." At least winter has decorations with bright lights so despite the lacking sunlight, it's at least pretty at night. 

The weather. Fuck fall weather. Let's just all do laundry 24/7 in the fall because it starts out cold, gets hot as balls, then drops back down to cold all in a 24 hour period. How delightful! You can't plan for shit in fall. You get to constantly change or constantly be uncomfortable. I'll wear leggings and be comfortable until I have to walk more than 10 minutes at which point I will have wet spandex jammed so far up my ass I'll get a yeast infection. Since it's colder, every person decides to build a fire while shittily channeling Jack Johnson on guitar, so now your clothes also smell like smoke while you listen to every male struggle with the E chord for five minutes. It's a giant lose-lose-lose situation. 

October TV is one giant commercial for horror movies. You can't watch HGTV without having some horrifying and disturbing advertisement play. Then you have  shitty sitcom episodes where the whole family dresses up their house and themselves far too much to make an episode of TV that is only good for one day out of the year. Also who is spending that much money on home decor to look like spider webs we normally pay exterminators to get rid of. TV is outright unwatchable in October. Then you have half the American population as lazy fucks who don't remove their jack-o-lanterns out in time so you are surrounded by rotting pumpkins that look like the deterioration of a meth addict for the next four months. Also I'm not going to get in about feeding kids crap loads of candy as you Uber eats deliver them from pedo to pedo in role playing costume. 

Maroon and orange, a normal fall color, is ugly. Deal with it. 

Fall is football season. Where overpaid men slowly throw a ball back and forth  300 feet for four hours at a time 16 times per week. The majority of people like football, I don't mind it so much, but there is just too much of it. It dominates the conversation for the next five months. September is the introduction to men endlessly rambling about how their team is going to make it this year. They won't. 

So you may be thinking "do you hate winter too?" No. No I don't. Because winter is cold. You can expect to dress for cold. It's not sunny and the days are short. That's how it is.  I'm mentally prepared for not sunny instead of the September/ October version of  the sun  which is like a  flasher in a trench coat threatening you to show his dick, you're just not sure of when and where. You end up in constant state of distress and worry. 

September, time for apple picking. The time of year when you delude yourself into believing you'll make an apple pie so you pick twenty pounds of apples, a fruit available all year, and let them sit on your counter for the next month. It's like make believe if you want to know what a migrant worker feels like, how quaint. People do this to scrape by in poverty, and I can too for just a tank of gas and $20. And of course apple pie tastes good, it's got a pound of sugar and a stick of butter. Paper would taste good with that recipe.

Pumpkin spice is back for these months. It's not spiced like a fucking pumpkin, its nutmeg and cinnamon you basic twits. I have taste buds like a colorblind person sees and even I can tell that flavor is not a pumpkin. Have you ever smelled a pumpkin? A freshly cut pumpkin smells like wet towels left in a car. That's the taste. A grainy squash. It's wet and filled with nature vomit. 

So there you have it, just a few reasons I hate fall. September and October are the swollen prostate months of the year. Just piss out the cold harsh winter already so we can leave the fucking bathroom.